Let’s not beat around the bush. Erica and I jumped the ferry to Martha’s Vineyard and rode the “vacation” excuse like a wild horse and never tamed it. Erica had a goal to eat lobster at least once everyday and I fell in love. Yes, Rob, move over, you have been replaced by a much more enticing species… called.. Murdick’s Fudge. Slap me… harder.. no harder!! Okay.. that was too hard. Actually, not hard enough! I’m in still in love with fudge!! Ladies, this stuff is amazing! I live next to the Fudge Pot in Chicago, always loved it, but Murdick’s Tanya Harding’s it to the ground.

http://murdicks.com/fudge/

I had a love affair with fudge and Erica with lobster. HOWEVER, what did I say last week? I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT.. so I ran like vegetables were chasing me, EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY! Although we didn’t lose anything, we didn’t gain either which is pretty darn good for people who swam in butter and cream for a week. We did watch our food intake during the day, but when dark came… ohhhhh, Lordy.

When I arrived home on Sunday, though, I was greeted by the September issue of Shape magazine reminding me that vacation was over and the gym awaits.. as well as the veggies.

I got some good recipes this week so I’m not just eating things that taste like cardboard:

http://www.shape.com/healthy_eating/10_minute_meals

I’m hoping for a 4lb weight loss this week which would put me at 146lbs! I haven’t seen that weight in years. Don’t forget, this Sunday I post Week 7 results so you can heckle me if I don’t lose that amount! It’s fun to heckle – I can take it.  Bring it.

I was doing Jazzercise.... at a bar

Even at a bar on vacation… Erica is dedicated to her cardio!

Can I get a WOO WOO???? WOO!! WOO!! Get on a treadmill, pick up some free weights and what do you know… Mr. Lard Pockets gets his ass whipped by the Exercise Fairy. She is no joke… you start getting that Fairy in your corner and she goes all GI Jane on Mr. Lumpy Ass, Miss Cellulite, Captain Cottage Cheese Thighs and Mrs. Muffin Top. You know how the Tooth Fairy leaves you a dollar under your pillow and you wake-up and find it? The Exercise Fairy sucks fat from your thighs and while you’re forcing your sore body from bed to bathroom, you realize that you’re not getting that morning chafe from kissing thighs. Thank you, Exercise Fairy. You work for Shape Magazine, don’t you? Shape and I are becoming better friends the more we hangout together.

OKAY YOU CUTIES….. WEEK 3 RESULTS:

Me: 2 lbs, down a total of 8 lbs in 3 weeks

Erica: 1 lb, down a total of 3 lbs in 3 weeks

We’re a month behind though, because we haven’t tried the August Workout, AKA Jada Pickett-Smith Exercise, because we’re still hooked on Natasha Bedingfield’s Exercise. We’re finally at the point where we don’t have to look at the July issue of Shape to remember what move comes next so we wanted to bask in the glory of our short-term circuit training knowledge. HOWEVER, we start the August workout this week. Damn Jada and her crazy jump-ropin’, 50 lb benchin’ , rocked-out muscles. JADA – you better watch yourself and your perfect bicep-ed hubby AKA Fresh Prince, Erica and I are coming after you!!!! Well, sort-of, we’re going to try your workout and I’m pretty sure we’ll cry… or moan a little.. not really moan.. more like wince. We’re getting stronger. I’m not really talking to you, am I Jada? I’m just typing to air… but maybe you’ve found my blog and you’re reading this… call me…. or maybe I can come to LA and we can have dinner? I like salmon.. I read in the August issue you do too.. Okay, I’m starting to scare myself with this imaginary blogging to you. Good-bye. Tell Will – S’up.

Here’s a breakdown of last week’s workout:

Mon – 1 hour cardio/ Tues – 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Wed – Lauren slacked, Erica spinned for 45 min/

Thur – 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Fri - 45 cardio/ Sat - 45 min Spinning / Sun – Lauren slacked, Erica cardio/circuit

I slacked two days, but still got in 5 workouts. Food note: I ate well, but drank wine (or a bottle) on a few occasions and may have eaten too much cheese. Two things I’ll work on this week. Erica ate well, but said she went a little food crazy Friday and Saturday. SO, no regrets, we lost weight and we’ll just re-energize and tackle this week.

I will say this, it’s very different from any time I decided to lose weight. I want this to be a life-style change which means freaking out about a missed workout and a few high calorie-indulgences is a waste of time. I just fix it the next meal/workout.

GIRL POWER!!!!

If you’re on your own weight loss journey, GIRL speak up!! Comment! You’re not alone and I’m not either so spill it. Jada, you’re welcome to comment as well.

Okay, I’m going to make this short and sweet because….  Girl, you’re not alone if you take on too much, try to get it all done in an impossible amount of time which then trickles down to letting all KINDS of business falling through the cracks! I have your sleeping pill right here, act like a 3 year-old and run around until you pass out with your sippy-cup (AKA wine for adults) from exhaustion in a dead man’s pose on the ground. Seriously, when my nephews nap, they look DEAD. It scares me… I’ll put my finger under their nose to make sure they’re breathing. They go, go, go so much that they give it up to the Sleeping Gods in whatever position or spot they may be in. It doesn’t matter if play-dough or a fudge round is in their hands… they’re going down… on top of the LEGO’s or Thomas the Train tracks. That’s what I feel like right now, but it’s not from molding play-dough or running around in circles until I’m dizzy – it’s from doing too much. You feel me. I know you do because you ladies are with me in the coffee line each morning forcing yourself to stand there, waiting your turn, yearning for caffeine freedom. No talking, no greeting until that coffee is in our freakin mitts and we chug ourselves back to life. I know I’m not alone as I’m bear hugging the person in front of me and them the person in front of them bracing each other from falling until our order is taken and coffee is served!!! I could never work at a coffee shop. No wonder those people are cracked-out on happiness at 6am because they have to do quadruple shots of espresso before they deal with the public. It enables them to welcome you in high-pitched voices and looking like they’re restraining themselves from coming across the counter and hugging the holy crap out of you. I fear them. “GOOD MORNING! Can I get you a fresh muffin or warm danish? Perhaps our new perfect oatmeal with a dash of cinnamon and healthy heap of raisins? No?  I completely understand.. before you exit though, please enjoy a banana for potassium and love from mother earth.”  Excuse me, Coffee Girl, I know you’ve just shot-up with caffine crack, but pipe down until I get a hit or your happy ass is going in the grinder.

I’ve completely gotten off the subject and I’m rambling, but I shouldn’t complain as I just got off IM with my counter-part in Kansas City and she’s a mom, wife, machine at work, social butterfly on every freakin committee in the world and she’s up doing cartwheels at 5am with no Columbian crutch. BITCH. Love you, but… Bitch. You give me no reason to complain. No kids… No husband.. All I have to do is feed myself whatever is in reach then pass out.

I lied. This was long and sour.. not short and sweet. The real question is… WHAT THE F$@& DID I BLOG ABOUT??!!!! Oh.. Girl, you’re not alone if you’re exhausted, delirious.. and talk WAAAY too much when in that state.

Come back tomorrow when I’ve tuned my engine. Good night, don’t let the bed bugs bite…. if they do, beat ‘em with a…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ   

Exhibit A: Passed out from exhaustion on the spot, with my "sippy-cup"

I'm on the far left. Notice my model-move of bending my arm away from my body to make it look smaller? CHALLENGE IS ON!

Girl, you’re not alone if you went to the beach, saw pictures and had to do a double take at the chubby girl that happened to be you. Girl, you’re also not alone if you went to the doctor this morning and weighed the same as you did 2 months ago when you had gained 12 lbs of water weight because of inflamed muscle tissue!!!!! Why, cheese and sausage?!? Why do you do this to me??

I can’t just be pissed at myself… I decided to be pissed at Shape magazine as well. I’ve gotten this freakin’ magazine every month for 2 years so I can see some airbrushed celebrity on the cover, flip through it to a workout that’s too complicated, not to mention slightly uncomfortable to figure out in public, AND why would I spend money on equipment that I’d only use for one workout? I BLAME Shape!! It’s not realistic to do their workouts and suggested regimens…especially from my couch. I’m wasting money and I have a front-butt in my use-to-be baggy slacks. By the way, I’m so tormented, I’m eating a box of Trader Joe’s chocolate truffles right now (at least no chemicals are added.)

I’m tired of feeling disgusting and tired of wasting money on a magazine that depresses me. I don’t care how many people say, “You look fine,” or “Oh, Lauren, you’re thin!!” I know I’m not doing the best with what I’ve got. I’m 5’7″ and 160 lbs….. if I were a C List actress, Jenny Craig would be working a deal with my manager this mother of a second!  So, quiet down, ladies, I have an announcement!! Shape (or people at the publication since Shape is not actually a person) HEAR THIS:

I’m giving you and the discipline I haven’t had since the age of 22, one last chance! I’m conducting my own Shape Challenge. Every month, as I receive a new issue, I will follow the workouts, tips, recipes, etc featured for that month. And every Sunday evening, I will blog about my progress, or lack-there-of, from the previous week. I will not bitch, I will just do!! If your do-it-yourself workouts do not work THEN I AM CANCELING MY SUBSCRIBTION AND BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!! Scared, huh? You just watch yourself, you stupid health magazine that’s run by skinny people who workout and eat stuff like… vegetables… and salad.. and frozen yogurt. JUST WATCH YOURSELF!

Today, I begin Natasha Bedingfield’s circuit training workout from the July issue which is only available in the actual magazine, not on the website:

http://www.shape.com/

I’ll do the circuit training 3 days a week and run 3 days a week. I’ll let you know how my first 5 days go. NATASHA, you better bring me a pocket full of freakin sunshine!!! 

Current status: chubby. Goal: 130 lbs.

Let the weight loss begin!!

The first time I met the parents of my, now, ex-boyfriend’s, his family had a dinner party. I was unsettled with the thought of meeting his parents for the first time with a bunch of their friends starring and judging. What if one of the other women didn’t like me and would coax his mom into feeling the same? I had so many thoughts going through my mind on the way over there, but when we walked in, I got nothing but smiles, hugs and warm welcomes. I was instantly at ease.

I was getting along with everyone with my wine glass staying filled by his dad, when I felt a little drunk and decided to regroup in the bathroom. When I got up, my heel got stuck on the side of the chair, I fell forward and tried to grab something to stabilize me. What I grabbed was the tray at the edge of the table that held about 12 crystal champagne flutes. The tray and flutes went flying and crashing onto the wood floor. Glass was everywhere and I was completely terrified. All of sudden, all the women came running over trying to find salvaged flutes, I sat there with my mouth open rambling out apologies to his mom while she stared with her eyes so wide I thought they were going to pop out. She then burst into tears and walked into her bedroom.

Although, his mom was very nice to be about it, telling me that it was an accident, I later found out that those flutes were passed down from her great grandmother and that she got the flutes over her sister who was not happy about it. She kept telling me that she shouldn’t have put them out at a party, that it was her fault.

I didn’t have another glass of wine the rest of the night. Actually, dinner was cut short and my ex-boyfriend and I got into huge fight on the way home. I think the relationship lasted only 3 months longer after that incident. Now, when I first meet families, I do not have a drop of alcohol!!

Tonya
San Diego, CA