Over and over again my, “You’re Not Alone,” theory is proven!!  I’m a genius I tell you, sheer genius!! You may have an embarrassing moment, but someone out there is eating a gallon of ice cream with their eyes closed because of a kindred pain. I eat a gallon of ice cream simply because I know someone is feeling pain over embarrassment and I want to be supportive. So…. my cottage cheese ass is all your faults… but, apology accepted… I’m just a good person.

Most of us, feel embarrassment from an encumbering moment almost immediately…. we find ourselves running to the computer, going to THIS website, searching through the archives for a similar incident to laugh and find instant solace. OKAY - I made up the last part, but I’m trying to brainwash you to come to this website everytime you’re embarrassed!! 

However, some of us have a delayed reaction by, let’s say, I don’t know…. 5 to 10 years…. but the rest of the world sees it and winces for the victim of denial.

CASE IN POINT: the different varieties of  “The Real Housewives.”  For some reason, a few of them believe being featured on reality TV magically gives them the ability to sing and dance. I have no doubt, well….. I do have doubt, but I also have hope…. that one day in the future they will look back, see these videos,  then lock themselves in a closet for a week.  WHEN this day happens… they can rest assured… Reality Star That Made an Ass of Yourself, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! You have each other!! I propose a reunion where you get together, burn your singles and hug it out while sipping champagne because you’re born-again classy.  Please refer to the below Exhibits for evidence…

Exhibit A: Kim Zolciak from “Real Housewives of Atlanta”

 

Exhibit B: Countess LuAnn from “Real Housewives of New York”

Exhibit C: Danielle Staub “Real Housewives of New Jersey”

I live in a five story building in Chicago. It takes about a good six minutes to get from the shut of my car door to the shut of my apartment door. It’s often that I leave work and decide to wait for the restroom at home. By the time I actually get to my restroom, I’m crawling and praying to make it to the toilet. It’s quite dramatic actually. You would think I got shot down in the middle of gang battle, dragging my wounded limps to safety and crawling as fast as possible out of dangers way.  It’s like a clip from “Good Fellas,” except my escape vehicle is the toilet. Nope. I just forget I’m an adult sometimes and hold it so freakin long that the pee pee dance can’t sustain my bladder! It’s cute when you’re little, but when you’re over the age of 11, holding yourself and gyrating to the bathroom… it’s a little weird… inappropriate… disturbing really.

When I received the email below, I sympathized with Lisa (and suddenly had to use the restroom.) In a bladder crisis, getting to the actual toilet is the focus, shutting the bathroom door is frivolous.  Here’s Lisa’s story:

I’m not going to lie and say this hasn’t happened before. How many times do we do something inappropriate and don’t learn our lesson until we’re caught? I was at a client’s office enduring a very long meeting. After the first 30 minutes, I had to use the restroom. An hour and half later, once the meeting closed, I was scared out of my mind that if I stood up, my bladder would lose control and run down my leg. I was in pain. We said our good byes. I carefully, without breathing, exited the conference room and asked for the ladies room which felt like a mile away. Once I got to the restroom, I was throwing my things on the floor and unbuckling my belt before the door closed behind me. Oh, and I forgot to mention that this was a public bathroom shared by the east end of the office floor. I ran to the stall, peeled everything off and finally was able to breathe.

Seconds later, I heard the bathroom door shut and footsteps walk toward my stall. Not to be graphic, but no one likes to sit on public toilets these days, so in my suspended position over the seat, I was looking down the entire time. I heard someone yell, “OH, EXCUSE ME!” I looked up to meet eye to eye with my client while in mid-stream. In my frenzy to reach the stall, I forgot to close the door after me. I was embarrassed and extremely uncomfortable. One minute I’m going over court papers and the next minute I’m staring her in the eyes with my pants down. My pants were zipped, hands washed and I was bolting toward the elevators before she could get out of her stall. It gives a whole new meaning to being caught with your pants down.

Hello LOSERS - yeah, I’m talkin’ to all you ladies. You are losers! WEIGHT LOSERS! Okay, that was the lamest thing I’ve ever said. I was channeling “The Office’s” Michael Scott when I said that. Someone smack me with a yoga mat - I think it will help.

I’m in a extra good mood today because I FINALLY freakin’ got to 145! I’m half-way to my goal. Another 15lbs to go and I’ll be walking around the City of Chicago in my underwear. I’m serious. If I hit the weight I haven’t seen in 12 years (130 lbs) , I will buy a pair of naughty knickers and strut those bad boys around the city singing, “Let’s Get Physical.” Wait.. I will then look like a prostitute.. I didn’t think this through. If there are any volunteers for bailing me out of jail at that time, please let me know and I’ll give you an emergency ATM card.

Here’s the breakdown for last week:

Lauren - Week 14 - 2lbs - total weight lost - 15 lbs - 145 lbs

Erica -  Week 14 - 1lb - total weight lost - 10 lbs

So here’s my goal movingforward: Stay steady. For the last 6 weeks, I’ve been flippingback and forth between dedication and fudge wrestling with my fridge. The friends in my life that have stayed fit workout five days a week and automatically pick healthy choices no matter restaurant or home. It’s just habit and a way of life for them. I actually looked-up how long it takes to form a habit. I’ve always heard 21 days, but then I did a little google-ing. Check out this article. Here’s the author’s consensus on forming habits:

It’s instant.
Breaking an old habit or starting a new one is “done” as soon as you make a true commitment to yourself that it’s what you’re going to do.

http://www.howtofeelhappier.com/blog/2009/01/how-long-does-it-take-to-break-a-habit/

High freakin’ five. I completely agree with that. If I make a decision to snorkel in macaroni and cheese, by goodness, chains and an 18-wheeler couldn’t keep me away.  Also, it kills me that I always make time for TV shows or drinks with friends, but somehow, I just can’t find the time to workout or go to the grocery store. Excuses, excuses! I’m making the decision to be consistent, to get my butt to the gym 5 days a week and make time for it. I just gotta do it. I don’t want to take another 14 weeks to get to my goal weight when I can get there in 7 weeks!!

Karin & Melissa - you guys are doing great. Let us know how last week went.

So… let’s join hands, ladies… everyone gather in a circle.. repeat after me: I… state your name… promise to BITCH SLAP grease, cheese and other artery clogging delicacies and make the gym my new lover at least 5 times a week. I will not make excuses any longer nor will I secretly cyber-stalk Heidi Klum and photo-shop Carly Wilson’s body on hers in an effort to make myself feel better (if I do it - I know everyone does…right?)

WOOHOO!!

Let’s not beat around the bush. Erica and I jumped the ferry to Martha’s Vineyard and rode the “vacation” excuse like a wild horse and never tamed it. Erica had a goal to eat lobster at least once everyday and I fell in love. Yes, Rob, move over, you have been replaced by a much more enticing species… called.. Murdick’s Fudge. Slap me… harder.. no harder!! Okay.. that was too hard. Actually, not hard enough! I’m in still in love with fudge!! Ladies, this stuff is amazing! I live next to the Fudge Pot in Chicago, always loved it, but Murdick’s Tanya Harding’s it to the ground.

http://murdicks.com/fudge/

I had a love affair with fudge and Erica with lobster. HOWEVER, what did I say last week? I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT.. so I ran like vegetables were chasing me, EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY! Although we didn’t lose anything, we didn’t gain either which is pretty darn good for people who swam in butter and cream for a week. We did watch our food intake during the day, but when dark came… ohhhhh, Lordy.

When I arrived home on Sunday, though, I was greeted by the September issue of Shape magazine reminding me that vacation was over and the gym awaits.. as well as the veggies.

I got some good recipes this week so I’m not just eating things that taste like cardboard:

http://www.shape.com/healthy_eating/10_minute_meals

I’m hoping for a 4lb weight loss this week which would put me at 146lbs! I haven’t seen that weight in years. Don’t forget, this Sunday I post Week 7 results so you can heckle me if I don’t lose that amount! It’s fun to heckle - I can take it.  Bring it.

I was doing Jazzercise.... at a bar

Even at a bar on vacation… Erica is dedicated to her cardio!

Can I get a WOO WOO???? WOO!! WOO!! Get on a treadmill, pick up some free weights and what do you know… Mr. Lard Pockets gets his ass whipped by the Exercise Fairy. She is no joke… you start getting that Fairy in your corner and she goes all GI Jane on Mr. Lumpy Ass, Miss Cellulite, Captain Cottage Cheese Thighs and Mrs. Muffin Top. You know how the Tooth Fairy leaves you a dollar under your pillow and you wake-up and find it? The Exercise Fairy sucks fat from your thighs and while you’re forcing your sore body from bed to bathroom, you realize that you’re not getting that morning chafe from kissing thighs. Thank you, Exercise Fairy. You work for Shape Magazine, don’t you? Shape and I are becoming better friends the more we hangout together.

OKAY YOU CUTIES….. WEEK 3 RESULTS:

Me: 2 lbs, down a total of 8 lbs in 3 weeks

Erica: 1 lb, down a total of 3 lbs in 3 weeks

We’re a month behind though, because we haven’t tried the August Workout, AKA Jada Pickett-Smith Exercise, because we’re still hooked on Natasha Bedingfield’s Exercise. We’re finally at the point where we don’t have to look at the July issue of Shape to remember what move comes next so we wanted to bask in the glory of our short-term circuit training knowledge. HOWEVER, we start the August workout this week. Damn Jada and her crazy jump-ropin’, 50 lb benchin’ , rocked-out muscles. JADA - you better watch yourself and your perfect bicep-ed hubby AKA Fresh Prince, Erica and I are coming after you!!!! Well, sort-of, we’re going to try your workout and I’m pretty sure we’ll cry… or moan a little.. not really moan.. more like wince. We’re getting stronger. I’m not really talking to you, am I Jada? I’m just typing to air… but maybe you’ve found my blog and you’re reading this… call me…. or maybe I can come to LA and we can have dinner? I like salmon.. I read in the August issue you do too.. Okay, I’m starting to scare myself with this imaginary blogging to you. Good-bye. Tell Will - S’up.

Here’s a breakdown of last week’s workout:

Mon - 1 hour cardio/ Tues - 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Wed - Lauren slacked, Erica spinned for 45 min/

Thur - 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Fri - 45 cardio/ Sat - 45 min Spinning / Sun - Lauren slacked, Erica cardio/circuit

I slacked two days, but still got in 5 workouts. Food note: I ate well, but drank wine (or a bottle) on a few occasions and may have eaten too much cheese. Two things I’ll work on this week. Erica ate well, but said she went a little food crazy Friday and Saturday. SO, no regrets, we lost weight and we’ll just re-energize and tackle this week.

I will say this, it’s very different from any time I decided to lose weight. I want this to be a life-style change which means freaking out about a missed workout and a few high calorie-indulgences is a waste of time. I just fix it the next meal/workout.

GIRL POWER!!!!

If you’re on your own weight loss journey, GIRL speak up!! Comment! You’re not alone and I’m not either so spill it. Jada, you’re welcome to comment as well.