First off – Melissa and Karin – WAY TO GO!! You girls are my motivation and you’re staying with it. I’m so happy for you!! KEEP GOING!

See. SHAPE and I are still BFF's. I get a 2nd chance!

Second – Erica and I are not posting our weight simply because last week was official Dietcation Week and we want to respect President Obama… because he was the one who declared that everyone dieting stop for a week. It was on the news. Richard Simmons was there… and so was Jillian Michaels. They were both eating cupcakes and doing keg stands.  Denise Austin was holding their feet during the keg stand. Valerie Latona, Editor In Chief of SHAPE, was eating a box of Twinkies and drinking a gallon of chocolate milk while watching “Sex in the City”  DVD’s. I swear…. it was an ”Oprah” special and everything. OKAY, OKAY, O FREAKIN’ KAY!!! I’M LYING!!! But, I had a dream about it and I’m sort-of physic so it could happen.

I fell off the wagon, but I had a rope tied to my ankle so I’m still being dragged behind it. I’ll get back on this week.

Can I use the excuse that my place was being renovated and it was easier to grab fast food for lunch? NO!

Can I use the excuse that I was stressed and discombobulated so going to the gym was too much of a hassle? NO!

Can I use the excuse that Kirstie Alley sat on me and violently forced milk shakes down my trachea? …. Well, it was by force.. so.. YES!! DAMN YOU, KIRSTIE ALLEY! I will not go down with you!!!

Next Sunday, if I don’t report that I am 145 lbs, I’m checking myself into the Green Mountain Camp in Vermont. Do or DIE!!! (Que dramatic music)

I'm on the far left. Notice my model-move of bending my arm away from my body to make it look smaller? CHALLENGE IS ON!

Girl, you’re not alone if you went to the beach, saw pictures and had to do a double take at the chubby girl that happened to be you. Girl, you’re also not alone if you went to the doctor this morning and weighed the same as you did 2 months ago when you had gained 12 lbs of water weight because of inflamed muscle tissue!!!!! Why, cheese and sausage?!? Why do you do this to me??

I can’t just be pissed at myself… I decided to be pissed at Shape magazine as well. I’ve gotten this freakin’ magazine every month for 2 years so I can see some airbrushed celebrity on the cover, flip through it to a workout that’s too complicated, not to mention slightly uncomfortable to figure out in public, AND why would I spend money on equipment that I’d only use for one workout? I BLAME Shape!! It’s not realistic to do their workouts and suggested regimens…especially from my couch. I’m wasting money and I have a front-butt in my use-to-be baggy slacks. By the way, I’m so tormented, I’m eating a box of Trader Joe’s chocolate truffles right now (at least no chemicals are added.)

I’m tired of feeling disgusting and tired of wasting money on a magazine that depresses me. I don’t care how many people say, “You look fine,” or “Oh, Lauren, you’re thin!!” I know I’m not doing the best with what I’ve got. I’m 5’7″ and 160 lbs….. if I were a C List actress, Jenny Craig would be working a deal with my manager this mother of a second!  So, quiet down, ladies, I have an announcement!! Shape (or people at the publication since Shape is not actually a person) HEAR THIS:

I’m giving you and the discipline I haven’t had since the age of 22, one last chance! I’m conducting my own Shape Challenge. Every month, as I receive a new issue, I will follow the workouts, tips, recipes, etc featured for that month. And every Sunday evening, I will blog about my progress, or lack-there-of, from the previous week. I will not bitch, I will just do!! If your do-it-yourself workouts do not work THEN I AM CANCELING MY SUBSCRIBTION AND BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!! Scared, huh? You just watch yourself, you stupid health magazine that’s run by skinny people who workout and eat stuff like… vegetables… and salad.. and frozen yogurt. JUST WATCH YOURSELF!

Today, I begin Natasha Bedingfield’s circuit training workout from the July issue which is only available in the actual magazine, not on the website:

http://www.shape.com/

I’ll do the circuit training 3 days a week and run 3 days a week. I’ll let you know how my first 5 days go. NATASHA, you better bring me a pocket full of freakin sunshine!!! 

Current status: chubby. Goal: 130 lbs.

Let the weight loss begin!!