Ladies of Diet and Exercise!! What upppppp?? I know what’s NOT up…. my weight. And I know what’s NOT down…. my weight. I know what’s just sitting at the same freakin number it was at last week…. MY MUTHA FREAKIN TOW TRUNKIN VEGETABLE EATIN WEIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Richard Simmons – where the hell are you?? I need a little sunshine here, Curly!! Buck up, Happy Man!

This is how Richard Simmons feels about my lack of weight loss this week

So.. big goose egg in Week 6. HOWEVER, friends are urging me to take my measurements because I’m seeing changes in my body and the way my clothes fit just not on the scale. We all know… muscle weighs more than fat..  but, I still let the scale get me down so I need to measure.  CHART TIME:

So…. I have 14 weeks to lose 14 lbs. I gotta keep truckin! I’m still swearing by The Bar Method. Although it’s caused my butt to start separating from the back of my thighs – they’ve had a long-term relationship – it’s been  dysfunctional from the beginning so I’m glad it’s ending. Seriously, I see new results every week … I’m addicted. 

I’m still BFF with SHAPE, though, don’t you worry.  I make their recipes all the time and my magazines are completely crinkled, but I just haven’t been doing they’re workouts because of Bar Method classes. I plan to shake it up as of  April 1 so I’ll get back to SHAPE’s featured workouts.

I’m off to the Land of Weight Loss. May your arms lose their jiggle and your butts walk-off that wiggle.

AND… AAAAAWAAAAYYYY.. WE… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I'm on the far left. Notice my model-move of bending my arm away from my body to make it look smaller? CHALLENGE IS ON!

Girl, you’re not alone if you went to the beach, saw pictures and had to do a double take at the chubby girl that happened to be you. Girl, you’re also not alone if you went to the doctor this morning and weighed the same as you did 2 months ago when you had gained 12 lbs of water weight because of inflamed muscle tissue!!!!! Why, cheese and sausage?!? Why do you do this to me??

I can’t just be pissed at myself… I decided to be pissed at Shape magazine as well. I’ve gotten this freakin’ magazine every month for 2 years so I can see some airbrushed celebrity on the cover, flip through it to a workout that’s too complicated, not to mention slightly uncomfortable to figure out in public, AND why would I spend money on equipment that I’d only use for one workout? I BLAME Shape!! It’s not realistic to do their workouts and suggested regimens…especially from my couch. I’m wasting money and I have a front-butt in my use-to-be baggy slacks. By the way, I’m so tormented, I’m eating a box of Trader Joe’s chocolate truffles right now (at least no chemicals are added.)

I’m tired of feeling disgusting and tired of wasting money on a magazine that depresses me. I don’t care how many people say, “You look fine,” or “Oh, Lauren, you’re thin!!” I know I’m not doing the best with what I’ve got. I’m 5’7″ and 160 lbs….. if I were a C List actress, Jenny Craig would be working a deal with my manager this mother of a second!  So, quiet down, ladies, I have an announcement!! Shape (or people at the publication since Shape is not actually a person) HEAR THIS:

I’m giving you and the discipline I haven’t had since the age of 22, one last chance! I’m conducting my own Shape Challenge. Every month, as I receive a new issue, I will follow the workouts, tips, recipes, etc featured for that month. And every Sunday evening, I will blog about my progress, or lack-there-of, from the previous week. I will not bitch, I will just do!! If your do-it-yourself workouts do not work THEN I AM CANCELING MY SUBSCRIBTION AND BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!! Scared, huh? You just watch yourself, you stupid health magazine that’s run by skinny people who workout and eat stuff like… vegetables… and salad.. and frozen yogurt. JUST WATCH YOURSELF!

Today, I begin Natasha Bedingfield’s circuit training workout from the July issue which is only available in the actual magazine, not on the website:

http://www.shape.com/

I’ll do the circuit training 3 days a week and run 3 days a week. I’ll let you know how my first 5 days go. NATASHA, you better bring me a pocket full of freakin sunshine!!! 

Current status: chubby. Goal: 130 lbs.

Let the weight loss begin!!