I know.. I know!! I should’ve posted this LAST Sunday!! My timing is off! I won’t do it again! PROMISE. Actually, I have a good excuse – my partner in exercise, Erica, whisked me off to Martha’s Vineyard as of  Sat, August 22nd.  Hello, heaven! She’s an East Coaster and vacationed in MV every summer since she was a wee-one in diapers. I went with her two years ago and she yanked me along for the ride this time as well. Actually, she didn’t have to yank too hard! She was like “Lauren, will you come to Martha’s Vine…” and I interrupted her with a “YESSSS!!! Will you marry me?” I might or might not have jumped in her lap knocking her over. It sounds sort-of romantic, she is, in fact, my Heterosexual Life Partner, however, catch the “heterosexual,” we’re not in the lesbian way. That’s not a knock, I have lesbian friends, we just like our men.

Anyhow – despite the vaca – we’ve managed to be active everyday – I REFUSE TO GAIN WEIGHT! Let’s talk about last week’s results:

Erica - 0 lbs -she had a big Week 4. Total weight loss in 5 weeks – 7 lbs

Lauren -  2lbs – had to rebound from Week 4!! Total weight loss in 5 weeks - 10 lbs

Exercise is such key. You hit that gym, keep a food journal and it really does come off. Everyone is reading this and saying “No shit?” But, take it from a crash, yo-yo dieter, this Steady Edy approach is totally new to me. I’m just not freaking out or obsessing. That’s what I’ve done in the past - hit it too hard, too fast then fizzled-out early. Now, if I get off track, I just jump back on the next meal or workout. This weight is coming off for good. Move over, Jennifer Aniston… well, actually don’t… I don’t think I’m capable of your body. The Wine and Chocolate Monster attack me often!

As I said – I’m in Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. Although we’re not blocking lobster and the BEST-CLAM-CHOWDER-EVER indulgences, we are watching what we eat during the day and I get my butt up every morning and huff-it running at least 4 miles. I also leaned on my BFF SHAPE magazine and did some research. Here’s a good link for staying on track while vacationing:

http://www.shape.com/fitness/workouts/cardio/at_home/4_ways_to_stay_fit_on_vacation

Come back on Sunday to see who wins the fight between Martha’s Vineyard vs Lauren’s Ass!! (Que “Eye of the Tiger”)

Ahh... Martha's Vineyard. Not a great picture of us, but a major improvement in my mid-section and arms. Look at Erica's legs! Keep on keepin' on!

I'm on the far left. Notice my model-move of bending my arm away from my body to make it look smaller? CHALLENGE IS ON!

Girl, you’re not alone if you went to the beach, saw pictures and had to do a double take at the chubby girl that happened to be you. Girl, you’re also not alone if you went to the doctor this morning and weighed the same as you did 2 months ago when you had gained 12 lbs of water weight because of inflamed muscle tissue!!!!! Why, cheese and sausage?!? Why do you do this to me??

I can’t just be pissed at myself… I decided to be pissed at Shape magazine as well. I’ve gotten this freakin’ magazine every month for 2 years so I can see some airbrushed celebrity on the cover, flip through it to a workout that’s too complicated, not to mention slightly uncomfortable to figure out in public, AND why would I spend money on equipment that I’d only use for one workout? I BLAME Shape!! It’s not realistic to do their workouts and suggested regimens…especially from my couch. I’m wasting money and I have a front-butt in my use-to-be baggy slacks. By the way, I’m so tormented, I’m eating a box of Trader Joe’s chocolate truffles right now (at least no chemicals are added.)

I’m tired of feeling disgusting and tired of wasting money on a magazine that depresses me. I don’t care how many people say, “You look fine,” or “Oh, Lauren, you’re thin!!” I know I’m not doing the best with what I’ve got. I’m 5’7″ and 160 lbs….. if I were a C List actress, Jenny Craig would be working a deal with my manager this mother of a second!  So, quiet down, ladies, I have an announcement!! Shape (or people at the publication since Shape is not actually a person) HEAR THIS:

I’m giving you and the discipline I haven’t had since the age of 22, one last chance! I’m conducting my own Shape Challenge. Every month, as I receive a new issue, I will follow the workouts, tips, recipes, etc featured for that month. And every Sunday evening, I will blog about my progress, or lack-there-of, from the previous week. I will not bitch, I will just do!! If your do-it-yourself workouts do not work THEN I AM CANCELING MY SUBSCRIBTION AND BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!! Scared, huh? You just watch yourself, you stupid health magazine that’s run by skinny people who workout and eat stuff like… vegetables… and salad.. and frozen yogurt. JUST WATCH YOURSELF!

Today, I begin Natasha Bedingfield’s circuit training workout from the July issue which is only available in the actual magazine, not on the website:

http://www.shape.com/

I’ll do the circuit training 3 days a week and run 3 days a week. I’ll let you know how my first 5 days go. NATASHA, you better bring me a pocket full of freakin sunshine!!! 

Current status: chubby. Goal: 130 lbs.

Let the weight loss begin!!