Ladies of Diet and Exercise!! What upppppp?? I know what’s NOT up…. my weight. And I know what’s NOT down…. my weight. I know what’s just sitting at the same freakin number it was at last week…. MY MUTHA FREAKIN TOW TRUNKIN VEGETABLE EATIN WEIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Richard Simmons - where the hell are you?? I need a little sunshine here, Curly!! Buck up, Happy Man!

This is how Richard Simmons feels about my lack of weight loss this week

So.. big goose egg in Week 6. HOWEVER, friends are urging me to take my measurements because I’m seeing changes in my body and the way my clothes fit just not on the scale. We all know… muscle weighs more than fat..  but, I still let the scale get me down so I need to measure.  CHART TIME:

So…. I have 14 weeks to lose 14 lbs. I gotta keep truckin! I’m still swearing by The Bar Method. Although it’s caused my butt to start separating from the back of my thighs - they’ve had a long-term relationship - it’s been  dysfunctional from the beginning so I’m glad it’s ending. Seriously, I see new results every week … I’m addicted. 

I’m still BFF with SHAPE, though, don’t you worry.  I make their recipes all the time and my magazines are completely crinkled, but I just haven’t been doing they’re workouts because of Bar Method classes. I plan to shake it up as of  April 1 so I’ll get back to SHAPE’s featured workouts.

I’m off to the Land of Weight Loss. May your arms lose their jiggle and your butts walk-off that wiggle.

AND… AAAAAWAAAAYYYY.. WE… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Hello LOSERS - yeah, I’m talkin’ to all you ladies. You are losers! WEIGHT LOSERS! Okay, that was the lamest thing I’ve ever said. I was channeling “The Office’s” Michael Scott when I said that. Someone smack me with a yoga mat - I think it will help.

I’m in a extra good mood today because I FINALLY freakin’ got to 145! I’m half-way to my goal. Another 15lbs to go and I’ll be walking around the City of Chicago in my underwear. I’m serious. If I hit the weight I haven’t seen in 12 years (130 lbs) , I will buy a pair of naughty knickers and strut those bad boys around the city singing, “Let’s Get Physical.” Wait.. I will then look like a prostitute.. I didn’t think this through. If there are any volunteers for bailing me out of jail at that time, please let me know and I’ll give you an emergency ATM card.

Here’s the breakdown for last week:

Lauren - Week 14 - 2lbs - total weight lost - 15 lbs - 145 lbs

Erica -  Week 14 - 1lb - total weight lost - 10 lbs

So here’s my goal movingforward: Stay steady. For the last 6 weeks, I’ve been flippingback and forth between dedication and fudge wrestling with my fridge. The friends in my life that have stayed fit workout five days a week and automatically pick healthy choices no matter restaurant or home. It’s just habit and a way of life for them. I actually looked-up how long it takes to form a habit. I’ve always heard 21 days, but then I did a little google-ing. Check out this article. Here’s the author’s consensus on forming habits:

It’s instant.
Breaking an old habit or starting a new one is “done” as soon as you make a true commitment to yourself that it’s what you’re going to do.

http://www.howtofeelhappier.com/blog/2009/01/how-long-does-it-take-to-break-a-habit/

High freakin’ five. I completely agree with that. If I make a decision to snorkel in macaroni and cheese, by goodness, chains and an 18-wheeler couldn’t keep me away.  Also, it kills me that I always make time for TV shows or drinks with friends, but somehow, I just can’t find the time to workout or go to the grocery store. Excuses, excuses! I’m making the decision to be consistent, to get my butt to the gym 5 days a week and make time for it. I just gotta do it. I don’t want to take another 14 weeks to get to my goal weight when I can get there in 7 weeks!!

Karin & Melissa - you guys are doing great. Let us know how last week went.

So… let’s join hands, ladies… everyone gather in a circle.. repeat after me: I… state your name… promise to BITCH SLAP grease, cheese and other artery clogging delicacies and make the gym my new lover at least 5 times a week. I will not make excuses any longer nor will I secretly cyber-stalk Heidi Klum and photo-shop Carly Wilson’s body on hers in an effort to make myself feel better (if I do it - I know everyone does…right?)

WOOHOO!!

First off - Melissa and Karin - WAY TO GO!! You girls are my motivation and you’re staying with it. I’m so happy for you!! KEEP GOING!

See. SHAPE and I are still BFF's. I get a 2nd chance!

Second - Erica and I are not posting our weight simply because last week was official Dietcation Week and we want to respect President Obama… because he was the one who declared that everyone dieting stop for a week. It was on the news. Richard Simmons was there… and so was Jillian Michaels. They were both eating cupcakes and doing keg stands.  Denise Austin was holding their feet during the keg stand. Valerie Latona, Editor In Chief of SHAPE, was eating a box of Twinkies and drinking a gallon of chocolate milk while watching “Sex in the City”  DVD’s. I swear…. it was an ”Oprah” special and everything. OKAY, OKAY, O FREAKIN’ KAY!!! I’M LYING!!! But, I had a dream about it and I’m sort-of physic so it could happen.

I fell off the wagon, but I had a rope tied to my ankle so I’m still being dragged behind it. I’ll get back on this week.

Can I use the excuse that my place was being renovated and it was easier to grab fast food for lunch? NO!

Can I use the excuse that I was stressed and discombobulated so going to the gym was too much of a hassle? NO!

Can I use the excuse that Kirstie Alley sat on me and violently forced milk shakes down my trachea? …. Well, it was by force.. so.. YES!! DAMN YOU, KIRSTIE ALLEY! I will not go down with you!!!

Next Sunday, if I don’t report that I am 145 lbs, I’m checking myself into the Green Mountain Camp in Vermont. Do or DIE!!! (Que dramatic music)

I’m pissed. Frustrated. I want to step out of my body - turn around - and bitch-slap myself all over the place. I’m in a rut, ladies. Same as last week… I didn’t gain a pound, but I didn’t move down the scale either. The only reason I think I didn’t gain weight last week is because I had a dance off (by myself) last night for two hours which burned a crap-load of calories (and threw-out my hip. AND YES, it is a little pathetic to be doing this by myself on a Saturday night. Whatever.)  Oooohhhh… DISCIPLINE.. where the hell are you when I need you?? SHAPE - you are suppose to be my BFF?!? True, you are a magazine and not a human being, but for the LOVE OF BARBIE, DO SOMETHING!!!!! Have one of your models, trainers, or editors jump out of that freakin magazine of thinness and kick my ass back onto the weight loss track!!!!!

I’m stuck in my 40’s!! I’ll never see my 30’s, will I? Screw that - I just want to see my early 40’s!!! I am 148lbs and not moving. Just sitting here in neutral. NOT MOVING!! Why? Because I’m letting this mother of an economy and all it’s wrath bring me down to the land of wine, ice cream and couch sitting!!!!! CAN YOU TELL THAT I’M SCREAM-TYPING RIGHT NOW ?? Gods of Metabolism, HELP ME!!!!!!!

This is me screaming... and throwing an F Bomb.

Okay, breakdown is over. No more using work and personal problems as an excuse. I’m not going to type positivity, I’m just going to say that I’m getting my ass into the fat-eating gym, my hands out of the ice cream and I’m not replenishing my wine supply either! WHEW! I feel better.

I refuse to stay 148lb. I would be letting myself and you guys down. When I weigh-in next Sunday - I will be 145lb. I won’t except less!!!! I think this post/breakdown just helped me burn 500 calories because I’m winded.

Game FREAKIN on.

Let’s not beat around the bush. Erica and I jumped the ferry to Martha’s Vineyard and rode the “vacation” excuse like a wild horse and never tamed it. Erica had a goal to eat lobster at least once everyday and I fell in love. Yes, Rob, move over, you have been replaced by a much more enticing species… called.. Murdick’s Fudge. Slap me… harder.. no harder!! Okay.. that was too hard. Actually, not hard enough! I’m in still in love with fudge!! Ladies, this stuff is amazing! I live next to the Fudge Pot in Chicago, always loved it, but Murdick’s Tanya Harding’s it to the ground.

http://murdicks.com/fudge/

I had a love affair with fudge and Erica with lobster. HOWEVER, what did I say last week? I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT.. so I ran like vegetables were chasing me, EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY! Although we didn’t lose anything, we didn’t gain either which is pretty darn good for people who swam in butter and cream for a week. We did watch our food intake during the day, but when dark came… ohhhhh, Lordy.

When I arrived home on Sunday, though, I was greeted by the September issue of Shape magazine reminding me that vacation was over and the gym awaits.. as well as the veggies.

I got some good recipes this week so I’m not just eating things that taste like cardboard:

http://www.shape.com/healthy_eating/10_minute_meals

I’m hoping for a 4lb weight loss this week which would put me at 146lbs! I haven’t seen that weight in years. Don’t forget, this Sunday I post Week 7 results so you can heckle me if I don’t lose that amount! It’s fun to heckle - I can take it.  Bring it.

I was doing Jazzercise.... at a bar

Even at a bar on vacation… Erica is dedicated to her cardio!