I work with mostly men at my day job so I can’t completely relate with Sharon’s story, however, I am male-crazy soo.. if a hot guy walked in my office.. I’d break all kinds of furniture too. Mostly on purpose to get his attention… nonetheless, Sharon, you’re not alone:

So, I work at a bank where I get so see a lot of sexy men every day. We need that. We have no men working in our office so us girls pass time with inappropriate talk about the opposite sex daily.

We have nicknames for most of the guys that come in looking hot. On this particular day, “Dark Chocolate” comes in and my co-worker says loudly, “Sharon, Dark Chocolate just left! Lookout your window!” I jump up from my chair – keep in mind we just built this $3 million bank with brand new furniture. I have a wrap-around desk aligning all the windows in my corner office. I leaned forward to pull up the blinds because I was afraid I might miss him getting in his car parked in front of my window. I grabbed the cord and pulled hard. Down comes these heavy expensive blinds and crash on my desk!! It was the loudest noise that echoed throughout the entire bank. He heard it from outside, stopped his car door from opening and is starred straight at me.

I made  my co-worker climb on my desk to rehang them as I covered up the huge gash in my desk with a fake plant.

hat was at the wrong place, at the wrong time

How many times do we have good intentions, but then do/say something that totally contradicts it? Hello, can I bring up my “Milkshake,” story from my last post? A girlfriend from high school emailed me this story and I snorted Red Bull out my nose. I feel your pain, Lindsey:

I run a lot, and often times the races are for charitable causes. I noticed a lot of young teenagers at the last race I ran in, which I didn’t think much about because they looked like volunteers or maybe part of a youth group. Anywho, it began raining, so I slapped my Fosters (beer) visor on before the race. I ran my fastest ever and felt good about receiving an award and doing the group photo with all the other winners (turned out some of the youth won things too). After everyone was packing up and leaving, one of the race organizers made a comment about my visor being inappropriate. I thought to myself “Well, I am sure no one here has EVER heard of beer. Whatever.” Turns out the race was for recovering alcoholics and all the youth were members of the rehab program. I am an ass, that is for sure.

Lindsey, GIRRRRLLLL, you’re not alone. I probably would’ve been chugging a beer at the end of the race oblivious to the stares. That’s what people do after running the Chicago Marathon! I’m sure half the adult runners there just signed up to run and had no idea the cause. They got your money and you were supporting the youth! Your hat just wasn’t.

Just remember, ASS really means Always a Shining Star.  Thanks, Lindsey!!

This is me distraught!

They say everything happens in 3′s, I would like to amend that to everything happens in 9′s if your Lauren Carol Taylor. Let’s review my glorious month of May:

• Hospitalized for kidney crap and out of commission for 2 weeks.
• I gained 12 lbs of water weight because of my kidneys and I’ve only lost 5lbs of it! My 3 year-old nephew touched my stomach and said “Baby?” I immediately explained to him that it was water weight and I was on an anti-inflammatory to dissolve my bloated belly. By the way, Gavin, it’s a sensitive subject and Aunt Lauren is dealing with it day by day!  He starred at me blankly with half his cupcake all over his face and up his nose then handed me the remains of it and said, “More.” I think he felt really bad.
• Ripped my pants 3 separate times.
• Wiped out (completely sober) – face to the ground, ass in the air – twice in public and in freakin daylight!
• Car broken-into and passenger-side window SMASHED! I didn’t claim on insurance because of my deductible so it was out-of-pocket. The guy who installed my new window didn’t speak English very well so on first try he put in the wrong size because he kept ending his sentences in “yes?” and I would then respond with “yes” because I had no idea what he was trying to say and didn’t have the patience to figure it out.
• My cable was interrupted. What?? Excuse me, I’m on automatic bill pay, how can this happen? Ma’am, you never returned your cable box when you switched to digital. Sir, please put down your crack pipe because I returned the box back in December and it’s disturbing that you guys can’t keep track of it. I went through a full day of arguing and negotiating down the charges then later, went through a drawer in my media center to find…. THE FREAKIN CABLE BOX I SWORE I RETURNED!!!
• On Friday, May 29, two days ago, I walk to my car to find a BOOT on it. Someone have Naomi Campbell slap me – why do I have a boot!?!  Apparently, a new law has been passed in Chicago that after two tickets, you’re tire is accessorized with a metal “boot.”  My boyfriend and I each got a parking ticket in the last 3 weeks and haven’t gotten around to paying them. Oh….. but with the boot, you pay like 10 times what your tickets are worth!! I wonder if the City of Chicago is hard-up for money? Great job, Major Daley, you absolutely, positively, do not suck. I bet you and Blagojevich are secret lovers.
• Wait.. I forgot one thing… after my car was booted, I went to get cash for a cab, the ATM next to my apartment was not dispensing checks, however, thank the Lord for this one, it was taking deposits. Yeah.. I’m taking deposits too. I had to run up to my apartment and borrow cash from my boyfriend. That sucked.

Needless to say, I am ESTASTIC that today is the last day of May. I refrained from locking myself in a padded room the past two days in fear that a piano would fall on me.

HELLO, Joyous June!!! Please do not wipe the floor with me like your older sister, Miserable May. I would be forever grateful as would my kidneys and new over-sized gut and ass.