Ladies of Diet and Exercise!! What upppppp?? I know what’s NOT up…. my weight. And I know what’s NOT down…. my weight. I know what’s just sitting at the same freakin number it was at last week…. MY MUTHA FREAKIN TOW TRUNKIN VEGETABLE EATIN WEIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Richard Simmons – where the hell are you?? I need a little sunshine here, Curly!! Buck up, Happy Man!

This is how Richard Simmons feels about my lack of weight loss this week

So.. big goose egg in Week 6. HOWEVER, friends are urging me to take my measurements because I’m seeing changes in my body and the way my clothes fit just not on the scale. We all know… muscle weighs more than fat..  but, I still let the scale get me down so I need to measure.  CHART TIME:

So…. I have 14 weeks to lose 14 lbs. I gotta keep truckin! I’m still swearing by The Bar Method. Although it’s caused my butt to start separating from the back of my thighs – they’ve had a long-term relationship – it’s been  dysfunctional from the beginning so I’m glad it’s ending. Seriously, I see new results every week … I’m addicted. 

I’m still BFF with SHAPE, though, don’t you worry.  I make their recipes all the time and my magazines are completely crinkled, but I just haven’t been doing they’re workouts because of Bar Method classes. I plan to shake it up as of  April 1 so I’ll get back to SHAPE’s featured workouts.

I’m off to the Land of Weight Loss. May your arms lose their jiggle and your butts walk-off that wiggle.

AND… AAAAAWAAAAYYYY.. WE… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

First off – Melissa and Karin – WAY TO GO!! You girls are my motivation and you’re staying with it. I’m so happy for you!! KEEP GOING!

See. SHAPE and I are still BFF's. I get a 2nd chance!

Second – Erica and I are not posting our weight simply because last week was official Dietcation Week and we want to respect President Obama… because he was the one who declared that everyone dieting stop for a week. It was on the news. Richard Simmons was there… and so was Jillian Michaels. They were both eating cupcakes and doing keg stands.  Denise Austin was holding their feet during the keg stand. Valerie Latona, Editor In Chief of SHAPE, was eating a box of Twinkies and drinking a gallon of chocolate milk while watching “Sex in the City”  DVD’s. I swear…. it was an ”Oprah” special and everything. OKAY, OKAY, O FREAKIN’ KAY!!! I’M LYING!!! But, I had a dream about it and I’m sort-of physic so it could happen.

I fell off the wagon, but I had a rope tied to my ankle so I’m still being dragged behind it. I’ll get back on this week.

Can I use the excuse that my place was being renovated and it was easier to grab fast food for lunch? NO!

Can I use the excuse that I was stressed and discombobulated so going to the gym was too much of a hassle? NO!

Can I use the excuse that Kirstie Alley sat on me and violently forced milk shakes down my trachea? …. Well, it was by force.. so.. YES!! DAMN YOU, KIRSTIE ALLEY! I will not go down with you!!!

Next Sunday, if I don’t report that I am 145 lbs, I’m checking myself into the Green Mountain Camp in Vermont. Do or DIE!!! (Que dramatic music)

I’m pissed. Frustrated. I want to step out of my body – turn around – and bitch-slap myself all over the place. I’m in a rut, ladies. Same as last week… I didn’t gain a pound, but I didn’t move down the scale either. The only reason I think I didn’t gain weight last week is because I had a dance off (by myself) last night for two hours which burned a crap-load of calories (and threw-out my hip. AND YES, it is a little pathetic to be doing this by myself on a Saturday night. Whatever.)  Oooohhhh… DISCIPLINE.. where the hell are you when I need you?? SHAPE – you are suppose to be my BFF?!? True, you are a magazine and not a human being, but for the LOVE OF BARBIE, DO SOMETHING!!!!! Have one of your models, trainers, or editors jump out of that freakin magazine of thinness and kick my ass back onto the weight loss track!!!!!

I’m stuck in my 40′s!! I’ll never see my 30′s, will I? Screw that – I just want to see my early 40′s!!! I am 148lbs and not moving. Just sitting here in neutral. NOT MOVING!! Why? Because I’m letting this mother of an economy and all it’s wrath bring me down to the land of wine, ice cream and couch sitting!!!!! CAN YOU TELL THAT I’M SCREAM-TYPING RIGHT NOW ?? Gods of Metabolism, HELP ME!!!!!!!

This is me screaming... and throwing an F Bomb.

Okay, breakdown is over. No more using work and personal problems as an excuse. I’m not going to type positivity, I’m just going to say that I’m getting my ass into the fat-eating gym, my hands out of the ice cream and I’m not replenishing my wine supply either! WHEW! I feel better.

I refuse to stay 148lb. I would be letting myself and you guys down. When I weigh-in next Sunday – I will be 145lb. I won’t except less!!!! I think this post/breakdown just helped me burn 500 calories because I’m winded.

Game FREAKIN on.