Let’s not beat around the bush. Erica and I jumped the ferry to Martha’s Vineyard and rode the “vacation” excuse like a wild horse and never tamed it. Erica had a goal to eat lobster at least once everyday and I fell in love. Yes, Rob, move over, you have been replaced by a much more enticing species… called.. Murdick’s Fudge. Slap me… harder.. no harder!! Okay.. that was too hard. Actually, not hard enough! I’m in still in love with fudge!! Ladies, this stuff is amazing! I live next to the Fudge Pot in Chicago, always loved it, but Murdick’s Tanya Harding’s it to the ground.

http://murdicks.com/fudge/

I had a love affair with fudge and Erica with lobster. HOWEVER, what did I say last week? I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT.. so I ran like vegetables were chasing me, EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY! Although we didn’t lose anything, we didn’t gain either which is pretty darn good for people who swam in butter and cream for a week. We did watch our food intake during the day, but when dark came… ohhhhh, Lordy.

When I arrived home on Sunday, though, I was greeted by the September issue of Shape magazine reminding me that vacation was over and the gym awaits.. as well as the veggies.

I got some good recipes this week so I’m not just eating things that taste like cardboard:

http://www.shape.com/healthy_eating/10_minute_meals

I’m hoping for a 4lb weight loss this week which would put me at 146lbs! I haven’t seen that weight in years. Don’t forget, this Sunday I post Week 7 results so you can heckle me if I don’t lose that amount! It’s fun to heckle – I can take it.  Bring it.

I was doing Jazzercise.... at a bar

Even at a bar on vacation… Erica is dedicated to her cardio!

I know.. I know!! I should’ve posted this LAST Sunday!! My timing is off! I won’t do it again! PROMISE. Actually, I have a good excuse – my partner in exercise, Erica, whisked me off to Martha’s Vineyard as of  Sat, August 22nd.  Hello, heaven! She’s an East Coaster and vacationed in MV every summer since she was a wee-one in diapers. I went with her two years ago and she yanked me along for the ride this time as well. Actually, she didn’t have to yank too hard! She was like “Lauren, will you come to Martha’s Vine…” and I interrupted her with a “YESSSS!!! Will you marry me?” I might or might not have jumped in her lap knocking her over. It sounds sort-of romantic, she is, in fact, my Heterosexual Life Partner, however, catch the “heterosexual,” we’re not in the lesbian way. That’s not a knock, I have lesbian friends, we just like our men.

Anyhow – despite the vaca – we’ve managed to be active everyday – I REFUSE TO GAIN WEIGHT! Let’s talk about last week’s results:

Erica - 0 lbs -she had a big Week 4. Total weight loss in 5 weeks – 7 lbs

Lauren -  2lbs – had to rebound from Week 4!! Total weight loss in 5 weeks - 10 lbs

Exercise is such key. You hit that gym, keep a food journal and it really does come off. Everyone is reading this and saying “No shit?” But, take it from a crash, yo-yo dieter, this Steady Edy approach is totally new to me. I’m just not freaking out or obsessing. That’s what I’ve done in the past - hit it too hard, too fast then fizzled-out early. Now, if I get off track, I just jump back on the next meal or workout. This weight is coming off for good. Move over, Jennifer Aniston… well, actually don’t… I don’t think I’m capable of your body. The Wine and Chocolate Monster attack me often!

As I said – I’m in Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. Although we’re not blocking lobster and the BEST-CLAM-CHOWDER-EVER indulgences, we are watching what we eat during the day and I get my butt up every morning and huff-it running at least 4 miles. I also leaned on my BFF SHAPE magazine and did some research. Here’s a good link for staying on track while vacationing:

http://www.shape.com/fitness/workouts/cardio/at_home/4_ways_to_stay_fit_on_vacation

Come back on Sunday to see who wins the fight between Martha’s Vineyard vs Lauren’s Ass!! (Que “Eye of the Tiger”)

Ahh... Martha's Vineyard. Not a great picture of us, but a major improvement in my mid-section and arms. Look at Erica's legs! Keep on keepin' on!

Can I get a WOO WOO???? WOO!! WOO!! Get on a treadmill, pick up some free weights and what do you know… Mr. Lard Pockets gets his ass whipped by the Exercise Fairy. She is no joke… you start getting that Fairy in your corner and she goes all GI Jane on Mr. Lumpy Ass, Miss Cellulite, Captain Cottage Cheese Thighs and Mrs. Muffin Top. You know how the Tooth Fairy leaves you a dollar under your pillow and you wake-up and find it? The Exercise Fairy sucks fat from your thighs and while you’re forcing your sore body from bed to bathroom, you realize that you’re not getting that morning chafe from kissing thighs. Thank you, Exercise Fairy. You work for Shape Magazine, don’t you? Shape and I are becoming better friends the more we hangout together.

OKAY YOU CUTIES….. WEEK 3 RESULTS:

Me: 2 lbs, down a total of 8 lbs in 3 weeks

Erica: 1 lb, down a total of 3 lbs in 3 weeks

We’re a month behind though, because we haven’t tried the August Workout, AKA Jada Pickett-Smith Exercise, because we’re still hooked on Natasha Bedingfield’s Exercise. We’re finally at the point where we don’t have to look at the July issue of Shape to remember what move comes next so we wanted to bask in the glory of our short-term circuit training knowledge. HOWEVER, we start the August workout this week. Damn Jada and her crazy jump-ropin’, 50 lb benchin’ , rocked-out muscles. JADA – you better watch yourself and your perfect bicep-ed hubby AKA Fresh Prince, Erica and I are coming after you!!!! Well, sort-of, we’re going to try your workout and I’m pretty sure we’ll cry… or moan a little.. not really moan.. more like wince. We’re getting stronger. I’m not really talking to you, am I Jada? I’m just typing to air… but maybe you’ve found my blog and you’re reading this… call me…. or maybe I can come to LA and we can have dinner? I like salmon.. I read in the August issue you do too.. Okay, I’m starting to scare myself with this imaginary blogging to you. Good-bye. Tell Will – S’up.

Here’s a breakdown of last week’s workout:

Mon – 1 hour cardio/ Tues – 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Wed – Lauren slacked, Erica spinned for 45 min/

Thur – 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Fri - 45 cardio/ Sat - 45 min Spinning / Sun – Lauren slacked, Erica cardio/circuit

I slacked two days, but still got in 5 workouts. Food note: I ate well, but drank wine (or a bottle) on a few occasions and may have eaten too much cheese. Two things I’ll work on this week. Erica ate well, but said she went a little food crazy Friday and Saturday. SO, no regrets, we lost weight and we’ll just re-energize and tackle this week.

I will say this, it’s very different from any time I decided to lose weight. I want this to be a life-style change which means freaking out about a missed workout and a few high calorie-indulgences is a waste of time. I just fix it the next meal/workout.

GIRL POWER!!!!

If you’re on your own weight loss journey, GIRL speak up!! Comment! You’re not alone and I’m not either so spill it. Jada, you’re welcome to comment as well.

I'm on the far left. Notice my model-move of bending my arm away from my body to make it look smaller? CHALLENGE IS ON!

Girl, you’re not alone if you went to the beach, saw pictures and had to do a double take at the chubby girl that happened to be you. Girl, you’re also not alone if you went to the doctor this morning and weighed the same as you did 2 months ago when you had gained 12 lbs of water weight because of inflamed muscle tissue!!!!! Why, cheese and sausage?!? Why do you do this to me??

I can’t just be pissed at myself… I decided to be pissed at Shape magazine as well. I’ve gotten this freakin’ magazine every month for 2 years so I can see some airbrushed celebrity on the cover, flip through it to a workout that’s too complicated, not to mention slightly uncomfortable to figure out in public, AND why would I spend money on equipment that I’d only use for one workout? I BLAME Shape!! It’s not realistic to do their workouts and suggested regimens…especially from my couch. I’m wasting money and I have a front-butt in my use-to-be baggy slacks. By the way, I’m so tormented, I’m eating a box of Trader Joe’s chocolate truffles right now (at least no chemicals are added.)

I’m tired of feeling disgusting and tired of wasting money on a magazine that depresses me. I don’t care how many people say, “You look fine,” or “Oh, Lauren, you’re thin!!” I know I’m not doing the best with what I’ve got. I’m 5’7″ and 160 lbs….. if I were a C List actress, Jenny Craig would be working a deal with my manager this mother of a second!  So, quiet down, ladies, I have an announcement!! Shape (or people at the publication since Shape is not actually a person) HEAR THIS:

I’m giving you and the discipline I haven’t had since the age of 22, one last chance! I’m conducting my own Shape Challenge. Every month, as I receive a new issue, I will follow the workouts, tips, recipes, etc featured for that month. And every Sunday evening, I will blog about my progress, or lack-there-of, from the previous week. I will not bitch, I will just do!! If your do-it-yourself workouts do not work THEN I AM CANCELING MY SUBSCRIBTION AND BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!! Scared, huh? You just watch yourself, you stupid health magazine that’s run by skinny people who workout and eat stuff like… vegetables… and salad.. and frozen yogurt. JUST WATCH YOURSELF!

Today, I begin Natasha Bedingfield’s circuit training workout from the July issue which is only available in the actual magazine, not on the website:

http://www.shape.com/

I’ll do the circuit training 3 days a week and run 3 days a week. I’ll let you know how my first 5 days go. NATASHA, you better bring me a pocket full of freakin sunshine!!! 

Current status: chubby. Goal: 130 lbs.

Let the weight loss begin!!

I announced to my coworkers that I was going to do the Master Cleanse. Everyone bet me, with money, that I couldn’t last five days on the diet. After the first day of drinking only liquid, I wanted to pass out. I was so miserable. The next day, someone had brought back muffins from a client meeting. I stuffed one in my pocket, took it to the bathroom, dug the crumbled muffin out of my pocket and ate it. I continued doing this throughout the week. When I was at the office, I would have to take food into the bathroom stall and eat it because I was being monitored at all times. At the end of the five days, they thought I had actually done it and handed over the prize money. I felt so bad about taking the money that I took everyone out for drinks to “celebrate,” but truthfully out of guilt!

The funniest part is that I actually lost five pounds from eating in moderation because I had to sneak what I ate during the day!! Without taking food into the bathroom to sneak it, I continued the whole moderation technique and lost 20 lbs. It is true a statement that I lost weight because of the Master Cleanse.

Kristie
Duluth, MN