Shay from "The Biggest Loser."

I know I’m almost a week late with this one, but, you know I’m slow!! Okay - VENTING time!! Who watches “The Biggest Loser?” Last week, those selfish people voted off the largest PERSON to ever be on the show. They voted off the person who’s life is most threatened by obesity and needed to be there for the medical and physical support. The girl they kept on, Amanda, was HALF Shay’s size. HALF!!! I’m sweating from anger… and the fact that it’s 100 degrees in here, but mostly, from ANGER!

HOWEVER, Shay is what my blog is about. Women who fall and rebound with grace, dignity and humor. She was 476lbs when she started the show, they sent her home at 376lbs and she lost an additional 38 lbs in a little over a month. She now weighs 338lbs! She told everyone to suck it. She was hopeless.. but she fought through it and LOOK AT HER NOW!! She has so much more to go though, which is why I get so pissed when I think about it!! Click on her name below and watch her video. We can always bounce, my lovely ladies! YES WE CAN! President Obama - I did not steal that from you.. you stole it from my journal entry from 1995. I am so brilliant that President Obama had his people read through my journal for speech inspiration. There are cures to diseases in that journal and also confessions about having an ongoing crush on Mark Hamill. What is wrong with me? WATCH SHAY!!

Shay

Hello LOSERS - yeah, I’m talkin’ to all you ladies. You are losers! WEIGHT LOSERS! Okay, that was the lamest thing I’ve ever said. I was channeling “The Office’s” Michael Scott when I said that. Someone smack me with a yoga mat - I think it will help.

I’m in a extra good mood today because I FINALLY freakin’ got to 145! I’m half-way to my goal. Another 15lbs to go and I’ll be walking around the City of Chicago in my underwear. I’m serious. If I hit the weight I haven’t seen in 12 years (130 lbs) , I will buy a pair of naughty knickers and strut those bad boys around the city singing, “Let’s Get Physical.” Wait.. I will then look like a prostitute.. I didn’t think this through. If there are any volunteers for bailing me out of jail at that time, please let me know and I’ll give you an emergency ATM card.

Here’s the breakdown for last week:

Lauren - Week 14 - 2lbs - total weight lost - 15 lbs - 145 lbs

Erica -  Week 14 - 1lb - total weight lost - 10 lbs

So here’s my goal movingforward: Stay steady. For the last 6 weeks, I’ve been flippingback and forth between dedication and fudge wrestling with my fridge. The friends in my life that have stayed fit workout five days a week and automatically pick healthy choices no matter restaurant or home. It’s just habit and a way of life for them. I actually looked-up how long it takes to form a habit. I’ve always heard 21 days, but then I did a little google-ing. Check out this article. Here’s the author’s consensus on forming habits:

It’s instant.
Breaking an old habit or starting a new one is “done” as soon as you make a true commitment to yourself that it’s what you’re going to do.

http://www.howtofeelhappier.com/blog/2009/01/how-long-does-it-take-to-break-a-habit/

High freakin’ five. I completely agree with that. If I make a decision to snorkel in macaroni and cheese, by goodness, chains and an 18-wheeler couldn’t keep me away.  Also, it kills me that I always make time for TV shows or drinks with friends, but somehow, I just can’t find the time to workout or go to the grocery store. Excuses, excuses! I’m making the decision to be consistent, to get my butt to the gym 5 days a week and make time for it. I just gotta do it. I don’t want to take another 14 weeks to get to my goal weight when I can get there in 7 weeks!!

Karin & Melissa - you guys are doing great. Let us know how last week went.

So… let’s join hands, ladies… everyone gather in a circle.. repeat after me: I… state your name… promise to BITCH SLAP grease, cheese and other artery clogging delicacies and make the gym my new lover at least 5 times a week. I will not make excuses any longer nor will I secretly cyber-stalk Heidi Klum and photo-shop Carly Wilson’s body on hers in an effort to make myself feel better (if I do it - I know everyone does…right?)

WOOHOO!!

First off - Melissa and Karin - WAY TO GO!! You girls are my motivation and you’re staying with it. I’m so happy for you!! KEEP GOING!

See. SHAPE and I are still BFF's. I get a 2nd chance!

Second - Erica and I are not posting our weight simply because last week was official Dietcation Week and we want to respect President Obama… because he was the one who declared that everyone dieting stop for a week. It was on the news. Richard Simmons was there… and so was Jillian Michaels. They were both eating cupcakes and doing keg stands.  Denise Austin was holding their feet during the keg stand. Valerie Latona, Editor In Chief of SHAPE, was eating a box of Twinkies and drinking a gallon of chocolate milk while watching “Sex in the City”  DVD’s. I swear…. it was an ”Oprah” special and everything. OKAY, OKAY, O FREAKIN’ KAY!!! I’M LYING!!! But, I had a dream about it and I’m sort-of physic so it could happen.

I fell off the wagon, but I had a rope tied to my ankle so I’m still being dragged behind it. I’ll get back on this week.

Can I use the excuse that my place was being renovated and it was easier to grab fast food for lunch? NO!

Can I use the excuse that I was stressed and discombobulated so going to the gym was too much of a hassle? NO!

Can I use the excuse that Kirstie Alley sat on me and violently forced milk shakes down my trachea? …. Well, it was by force.. so.. YES!! DAMN YOU, KIRSTIE ALLEY! I will not go down with you!!!

Next Sunday, if I don’t report that I am 145 lbs, I’m checking myself into the Green Mountain Camp in Vermont. Do or DIE!!! (Que dramatic music)

I’m pissed. Frustrated. I want to step out of my body - turn around - and bitch-slap myself all over the place. I’m in a rut, ladies. Same as last week… I didn’t gain a pound, but I didn’t move down the scale either. The only reason I think I didn’t gain weight last week is because I had a dance off (by myself) last night for two hours which burned a crap-load of calories (and threw-out my hip. AND YES, it is a little pathetic to be doing this by myself on a Saturday night. Whatever.)  Oooohhhh… DISCIPLINE.. where the hell are you when I need you?? SHAPE - you are suppose to be my BFF?!? True, you are a magazine and not a human being, but for the LOVE OF BARBIE, DO SOMETHING!!!!! Have one of your models, trainers, or editors jump out of that freakin magazine of thinness and kick my ass back onto the weight loss track!!!!!

I’m stuck in my 40’s!! I’ll never see my 30’s, will I? Screw that - I just want to see my early 40’s!!! I am 148lbs and not moving. Just sitting here in neutral. NOT MOVING!! Why? Because I’m letting this mother of an economy and all it’s wrath bring me down to the land of wine, ice cream and couch sitting!!!!! CAN YOU TELL THAT I’M SCREAM-TYPING RIGHT NOW ?? Gods of Metabolism, HELP ME!!!!!!!

This is me screaming... and throwing an F Bomb.

Okay, breakdown is over. No more using work and personal problems as an excuse. I’m not going to type positivity, I’m just going to say that I’m getting my ass into the fat-eating gym, my hands out of the ice cream and I’m not replenishing my wine supply either! WHEW! I feel better.

I refuse to stay 148lb. I would be letting myself and you guys down. When I weigh-in next Sunday - I will be 145lb. I won’t except less!!!! I think this post/breakdown just helped me burn 500 calories because I’m winded.

Game FREAKIN on.

Pictures these, but covered in mold.

We all eat on the run, especially in the morning. Even more, we often grab something and have no idea what we’re eating because of time crunches. I once had Pringles for breakfast because I thought I was grabbing cereal in a can. I have to say, a salty treat with coffee was a different combination, but not bad, sort-of like Cheetos with Peanut-butter/Jelly. I know it sounds nasty, but my pregnant friend told me about it and I’m tellin’ ya, Brad Pitt in a sandwich. Don’t knock it till you try it.

On Friday, I had a client tell me about her eat-on-the-run experience. She grabbed the Hostess 100 Calorie Pack Muffins that morning which she eats daily on the way to work. Being a good driver, she kept her eyes on the road while she unwrapped the muffins. She spelled something weird, “It must be hair product,” she thought, then popped a muffin. She said it tasted like there was hair product all over the mini-muffin so she spit it out, looked down to find mold all over the half-chewed muffin!!!! THEN she looked down at the two remaining muffins to find MOLD ALL OVER THEM! HAHA! I’ve never confused mold with the smell/taste of hair product, but perhaps I should take it to the Oxford University Labs. Those people survey/test anything.

My favorite part of her story is that the mold did not spoil her appetite. She immediately called her mom, who’s office was close by hers, and asked to meet her in the parking lot and bring her a granola bar and yogurt. Girl, you’re not alone if breakfast is the most important meal of the day.