WOWZERS!! Girl, you’re not alone if your boyfriend’s Rabbi hits on you! I need a shot of whiskey after reading this one. Poor Jennifer!

My ex-boyfriend is Jewish and I’m not, but although I’m not well-educated on Judaism, I’m very confident it’s not okay for any religious teacher to behave in this manner.  His family wasn’t too happy that I wasn’t Jewish, so after our relationship hit the two-year mark, they invited us to dinner the same night their Rabbi and his family was coming over. I didn’t know if it was because they were going to try and convince me to switch to Judaism because they thought we might get engaged? I had no idea they’re ulterior motive. I was nervous. Dinner went well, no one asked me religious questions, no pressuring, nothing at all. I really enjoyed myself and liked the Rabbi and his wife very much. Later we went into library to have an after-dinner drink (yes, these people were very wealthy with a huge house.) As we walked everyone out, the Rabbi walked beside me, his hand lightly on my back and asked me how I felt about marrying my boyfriend since we had different faiths? I told him I was opened to a inter-religious marriage or if we decided together, on our own terms, I would consider converting. He stopped, smiled and said “I thought so,” slid his hand down my back and PATTED MY BUTT then walked off!!! I was floored. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t no whether to laugh or vomit! I didn’t make a scene, just waited until I was in the car with my boyfriend and told him what his Rabbi did. His first reaction was “Really?!” then he got mad at me and accused me of making it up. He said the Rabbi was a very nice man, committed to his faith and would never do anything like that. That was the beginning of the end for us because I KNEW what I felt and that wasn’t a “nice” tap. I still can’t believe it.

I later ran into his brother’s wife and she told me that the Rabbi had done that to her twice. She said it’s just something he does to women, but is harmless and doesn’t mean anything by it. WHATEVER!

Jennifer – tell the happy little wifey that I call BULLSHIT on that one. A man puts his had on your tooshy – he means it!

I heard the Blog Angels singing when I read this story. Seriously – Christmas came early for me. Tiffany, if your girlfriend is mad at you for this, then she has issues beyond you and was just looking for a reason to be upset. Tell Naomi Campbell over there to suck it up. I’m surprised she’s not wearing a neck-brace!  Get that Queen of Drama a tiara!

Ladies, enjoy Tiffany’s story .. it’s a gem. Girl, you’re not alone if you hit your friend with a car, ON ACCIDENT!!

I think I’m writing this as therapy. I can laugh about it, but I’m still feeling awful because my good friend is not talking to me. We both live in the city (Chicago) and when I drop her off, I usually do it quickly at the curb because of heavy traffic as well as parked cars on either side of the street. I can’t idle or park. She has to jump out quickly so I don’t hold up traffic. Last week, I was dropping her off and thought she was going towards the back of the car. I immediately looked to make sure I could pull-out quickly in front of the on-coming car. Well, as I moved forward a little while looking out the side window, I suddenly felt something and heard a scream. I stopped immediately and jumped out of the car to find my friend on the ground. My girlfriend had walked in front of the car instead of behind! I hit her with my car! It happened in a matter of seconds and although I just nudged forward, the impact still knocked her over and sprained her wrist. She was a little over-dramatic by laying on the ground, screaming that she broke her arm and stopping traffic. Anyhow, I called her fiance and he ran downstairs. Both of them yelled at me saying I could’ve killed her and my irresponsibility went too far. What?? Yes, I take full responsibility for not checking in front of me, but she knew what direction I was moving in and I was going slow enough that she could’ve hit the top of my car to get my attention! There was no way I could’ve killed her!! Give me a break! I’ve sent flowers, cards and even money to pay for the doctor’s visit. She won’t respond. When I knocked on her door, her fiance answered and said she wasn’t ready to speak to me yet. It’s a crazy situation.

Tiffany, I once forgot to put on the emergency break and my car started rolling on top of me when I opened the trunk, but I did that myself. I guess you can say that I ran over myself. Now…that’s embarrassing.

I’m laughing FOR YOU right now. Let her sulk in her cave of pity. You’re too good for that nonsense and so is your car!

I had drinks with my girlfriend, Leslie, last night who is a talented, accomplished writer:

http://lrdiaries.com/

She always has interesting things to say while I crack a joke and hope it counts for insight. You read my blog… you’re aware of this insight.. not so interesting.. laughable.. but not new information that adds depth to one’s life. Well, not true, I taught my friend’s 4 year-old how to do the Badonkadonk and she now has the best booty shake in her tot ballet class. I would say that accounts for something. Anyhow, after a couple glasses of Sangria, Leslie was knocked down to my level (well, close to it), thank goodness, and I guess it carried into her dreams. This is the email she sent me this morning:

Perhaps I was splattering Corky's BBQ Sauce - it's my favorite.

I dreamt that you and I went home together to meet my parents in the house I grew up in. You got really tired and wanted to take a nap on the couch so I left you alone and went to talk with my mom and dad in the kitchen. Then we heard a loud bang. I walked back into the family room and you were gone and we all were scared and freaking out and then we found you in the foyer, next to a knocked-over statue with BBQ sauce splattered all over. You had been sleepwalking, then you woke up and got really scared b/c you thought the BBQ sauce was blood and we had to calm you down. I was yelling, “It’s just barbecue sauce, Lauren! You’re OK!”  I have ZERO idea what the hell this means.

I laughed so hard when I read this , I lost 3lbs. I went on every dream interpretation website Google could muster with no luck of a dream explanation. I think I drugged her Sangria and forgot about it. I searched deep down at one point and thought maybe the BBQ sauce had something to do with the fact I’m from Memphis and we’re known for our BBQ. That’s what I get for thinking too hard. I actually think it’s her subconscious warning her of what a train wreck I am.

Anyone have crazy dreams they want to share? Spill it.

I am wearing a diaper. Right now.  It’s a diaper created for senior citizens with uncontrollable bladders. After reading Cynthia’s email below.. I now have an uncontrollable bladder resulting from uncontrollable laughter. Read Cynthia’s email and you’ll wear a diaper too:

Hi Lauren,

Thought this story would fit your bill. I decided my New Year’s resolution was to stand up to my husband more and concentrate on what I want rather than what he demands. Well, I had a mental checklist to 1. Text my husband before I lost my nerve 2. Call my Mother-in-law to let her know we’d attend dinner. So I texted my husband this:

2010 is not about you. It’s about me. I promise I will kick you in the balls everytime you rolls your eyes at me. I promise I will use a vibrator everytime you’re “too tired” to have sex.  I promise I will hire a pool boy if you continue to screw your assistant.

I actually texted that to my Mother-in-law, I guess, because she was in my head as task #2.  After I had a  melt-down, I texted her again, “Happy New Year, here’s to marriage.”

My husband was not happy, but he did agree to my terms. So, after the drama, we got on a good path.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Cynthia

Give me developing hormones, a cracking voice, a pony of a penis, Justin Bieber shag-do…. I would hurl myself at the chance to be a 12 year-old boy who can bitch slap Lady Gaga all over her own song.  By now, everyone has seen Greyson Michael’s performance omnipresent on the Internet, talk shows and little girl’s screen savers. I wasn’t going to,  but I just had to post this! He’s crazy talented at such a young age with a surprisingly deep voice for pre-puberty.  Did his parents do a little experiment with Annie Lennox’s eggs and Justin Timberlake’s sperm? I’m wearing a white polo shirt with red stripes right now… I’m single-white-tweening him…… that sounds very weird coming from a 33 year-old woman.. perhaps illegal… let me rephrase….

Girl, you’re not alone if you wish to give to birth to a kid that has this type of talent. I could see myself being a psycho stage mom if this were my kid… although, I would insist on being the back-up singer/dancer/ tambourine player on his world tour hence ruining the child’s career…. so this kid could never happen to me in a healthy parent-child relationship kind of way.. this dream is dead.  Perhaps one of my nephews will grow a passion for the piano and singing.. they both love my rendition of “Bushel and a Peck,” ….. Aunt/Manager…. this could happen.

Anywho, if you have a kid with talent like this…  or know someone who does…. I just want to see it! Send it to me!

12 year-old boy that sings better than Lady Gaga, you just might NOT be alone.