Hello, lovely ladies! Lauren here. Heather and I are so excited to welcome you to our chaos and to embrace yours. If there’s any two girls who take their morning lattes with two extra shots of embarrassment, it’s us. But, we’re opening up about our moments and we encourage you to do the same. Crawl out from under that rock, write us a story and laugh it off. It’s very empowering to know that, girl, you’re not alone.

Please feel free to make comments (supportive only, please) to any of the stories we post daily.

Special thanks to the amazingly talented Marya Green for creating AND designing a website that couldn’t be more perfect. Another very special thanks to my fellow Queen of Discomposure, Heather, because without her, GYNA would still only be just an idea.

Now, I’m about to spill my guts. Please make me feel less like an idiot and spills yours by submitting!

Without further ado….(drum role please) here is my story where I should’ve shoved a whole shoe department into my huge mouth:

Years ago, I got a job as an Administrative Assistant for a carpet firm. I immediately got along with my boss and he quickly handed me more responsibility, one was being his backup when important clients called. One morning, my boss was on the phone when a CEO called from a company where we landed a big job. My boss motioned for me to stall and keep him on the phone. I began speaking brilliantly, holding my own on football stats, weather, you name it, I was OWNING the conversation. He finally started speaking of business and I was focused. My boss (who sat in the cubicle next to me) was writing notes so I sounded knowledgeable. Finally, the CEO asked how I was handling business. Picture me lounged all the way back in my chair, feet up, confident that I could take my boss’ job. I answered, “Well, Jim, I’m just a carpet muncher like the rest of my co-workers.” WHAT????????? (In case you’re not aware, carpet muncher is a sexually explicit term that ladies shouldn’t use.) I meant to say carpetbagger!!!! I wasn’t the only one that caught this, my boss whipped around in his chair, arms flying everywhere in a silent yell, “What the hell are you saying??” In a panic, I tried to fix the situation only to make it worse. I babbled how I sometimes get on the ground to evaluate the carpet so closely I felt like I’m going to eat it and that’s what I meant by that term. My boss ran over to my cubicle, ripped the phone out of my hand and acted as if my conversation never happened. Needless to say, it took me a year to earn back my boss’ trust and not just take a message. I also learned that I was using the term “carpetbagger” wrong anyway.

So, I got this great new job, really high profile, high society. As part of my new job, I had to go to all these fancy events and try to make a good impression. I went to this luncheon and felt totally out of place, first of all, I’m 6 feet tall, and I decided to wear three inch patent leather pumps and a mini dress – everyone else there was wearing a super conservative St. John knit suit. I didn’t know anyone and was feeling like an ass. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone, I knew her from somewhere, but couldn’t figure out from where. So, I marched over, introduced myself and said, “Now where do I know you from? Are you from Naperville? Did we go to Church together?” She just looked at me blankly and her friend said, “This is Mary Ann SoandSo, from Channel 5 News.” I wanted to die!!! Of course I knew her, I watched her on TV everyday! I shook her hand and promptly left the luncheon. I couldn’t even eat my meal.

Tyler
Naperville, IL

I have two close friends that happen to be sisters. They had invited me to a family party as an opportunity to meet everyone. As I walked in, there were so many people with neither of my girlfriends in site, but I spotted a lady who, without a doubt, was kin to them. She looked older than both my friends so I assumed it was their mother. I approached her with a huge smile and said, “It is so nice to finally meet you, Mrs. L!” I then continued to introduce myself and tell her how lucky I was to know her daughters. She just smiled and let me finish before she said, “I’m actually their sister.” To make it worse, I quickly learned that she was only 11 years older than them! Everyone was laughing and I was horrified.

Patricia
St. Louis, MO

Hello ladies, Heather here. So, I feel for Patricia who asked her friends’ sister if she was her mother. I gotta tell you, something like that happened to me…

I was at an event with a co-worker, we’ll call her Nadia. Our job for the evening was to greet the party guests as they entered the ballroom and help them find their table for dinner.

Nadia is young and cute, think early 20’s. I’m less young, 38 to be exact, but thought I was looking cute too – by the way, we were in matching outfits. Not by personal choice, it was our uniform. Anyway, a guy started talking to Nadia and blocked the entrance for the rest of the guests. I smiled at him and said, “Hi, I’m Heather, can you kindly make your way into the ballroom, Nadia can help you find your table if you like.” To which he replied, “Oh, you must be Nadia’s mother, nice to meet you.”

MOTHER – are you kidding me?! I mean mathematically I guess I could have been, but really?! OMG!!! That was my inner dialogue, on the outside I smiled and said “No.” He realized his error and quickly said “SISTER, I meant to say sister, I don’t know what I was thinking, um…blah, blah, blah”

Nadia walked him to his table while I stood there dumbfounded. I spent the rest of the next hour trying to have as much space between Nadia and I as possible so that no one else would think I was her mother. On the way home, I had the cab driver drop me off at Walgreens where I purchased every “skin firming” and “anti-wrinkle” produce they had in stock!

To this day, Nadia has never mentioned it to me, but maybe that’s because we haven’t worked together since…

Your turn! Keep those stories coming!!

I went to an awards dinner where my husband and a certain unknown state senator were getting an award at the same time. I sat with this freshman senator from Hyde Park and his lovely wife for two hours and chatted about colleges and I told them how the Midwest Colleges were better than East Coast elite schools. Generally, I chatted up the greatness of the Midwest, since she and he were both ivy-leaguers. I discussed the advantages of populating the world with biracial children, a common goal for both couples, as I am in a biracial marriage. Then I asked what his given name was because so many black men did like Muhammad Ali and had changed their names. He said Barack Obama was his given name.

Lynn
Chicago, IL

I was relatively new in my office and a guy who sat in the cubical next to me befriended me. Soon, he was spilling his guts about his girlfriend and how he couldn’t stand her and wanted to end it, but didn’t know how because she wouldn’t take it well.

One day, he told me he was going to have lunch with her and was going to break the news. That day, I went to the office kitchen to get a drink and a girl I work with was standing with another girl I didn’t know. I chatted with them for a few minutes and then said, “Well, I’ve got to run back to my desk. Jason just dumped his girlfriend at lunch and I want to hear all about it. Supposedly he’s been trying to get rid of her for over a year and she’s crazy with a crazy mother and …..” I just kept going unloading everything he had said to me from the fact that he was unattracted because she was a “butter face,” (everything’s hot but-her-face) to how much his family hates her!!!!! I didn’t shut up! I was just happy to feel like I had gossip in the office and was making friends!

All of a sudden the friend of my coworker’s threw her hand up and asked me Jason’s full name. Before I could finish – she said “I’m the crazy bitch you were just talking about.” Pushed passed me – went over to Jason’s desk and made a huge scene in our office – our boss had to break it up and kick both of them out! I was horrified!!!! I ran into the bathroom and stayed in a stall for about 30 minutes. Everyone in the office was laughing at me, but Jason had left me an ugly voicemail and didn’t talk to me until they broke-up months later. I found out that he didn’t break up with her at lunch.

Lindsey
Nashville, TN

We’ve all done this. It’s still horrifying. I went to a work party with my boyfriend and he told me that his coworker was pregnant. He introduced me to a girl as one of his coworkers. Well, she was wearing a babydoll shirt and looked as if she could be pregnant so I went straight into congratulating her for upcoming baby. My boyfriend pulled me away and then tried to apologize for me. Needless to say, we left early and she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night.

Gale
Gary, IN

It’s sometimes painful to be me, hence, I had to start a blog because, for my sanity, I have to know that other people share my pain.. and mortification. Britney baby, although I didn’t have two children by the age of 25, marry a white wanna-be-rapper who aspired to be ghetto, change accents when I change wigs or cry on national TV while I smacked gum and let snot run down my face for effect .. I do think we could be close friends. Call me.

Anywho, you know I’m Queen of blurting before braining.. this is why I’m categorizing myself with Britney Spears and.. Vice President Biden … away we go!!

Yesterday afternoon, two of my female coworkers and I got a sweet tooth. We work in the Merchandise Mart (in Chicago. On levels one and two there are endless opportunities for high calorie treats, I’m talkin’ every type of fast food vendor you can think of.  We started throwing out options: Cookies? No..  brownies? Nah.. cupcakes… maybe ice cream? Maybe… wait! Milkshakes!!! Ladies, I think we have a winner.

Because it was late afternoon and our brains are dead and perverted at this specific time of day.. we got on the subject of the “Milkshake,” song by Kelis – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZ-FAV9fBII.  One of my coworkers wasn’t aware of what “milkshake,” really meant. We then clued her in that “milkshake,” in this song, was a euphemism for a BJ (oral sex to a man.. you never know you’re audience.) She laughed and gasped… haha.. funny.. then it was over. Before we went downstairs I wanted to be polite to the Creative Director and Design Manager in the next room. So I went next door, walked in their office and said:

“Hi, we’re running downstairs real quick, would you guys like a blow job?” WAIT!!!!!! NO! NO! NO! NO!!!!!!! Lauren – Freudian Slip!!!!!! AHHHH!!

“Oh my goodness.. I’m so sorry…. I meant Milkshake. Oh my god… I… am.. horrified.. We were talking about this song because we’re getting milkshakes, right, and what it meant in the song..” Lauren.. just shut-up. Just turn around and walk off.

The Creative Director is a conservative gay man and the Design Manager is a female – both cool -  but, still – COME ON!!! They were immediately stunned – eyes shot wide open – followed by “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?”

UGH!! It hurts! It hurts so bad… make it stop!

Girl, you’re not alone if three pairs of feet fit in your mouth with room to spare. I feel ya, Britney baby.