I work with mostly men at my day job so I can’t completely relate with Sharon’s story, however, I am male-crazy soo.. if a hot guy walked in my office.. I’d break all kinds of furniture too. Mostly on purpose to get his attention… nonetheless, Sharon, you’re not alone:

So, I work at a bank where I get so see a lot of sexy men every day. We need that. We have no men working in our office so us girls pass time with inappropriate talk about the opposite sex daily.

We have nicknames for most of the guys that come in looking hot. On this particular day, “Dark Chocolate” comes in and my co-worker says loudly, “Sharon, Dark Chocolate just left! Lookout your window!” I jump up from my chair – keep in mind we just built this $3 million bank with brand new furniture. I have a wrap-around desk aligning all the windows in my corner office. I leaned forward to pull up the blinds because I was afraid I might miss him getting in his car parked in front of my window. I grabbed the cord and pulled hard. Down comes these heavy expensive blinds and crash on my desk!! It was the loudest noise that echoed throughout the entire bank. He heard it from outside, stopped his car door from opening and is starred straight at me.

I made  my co-worker climb on my desk to rehang them as I covered up the huge gash in my desk with a fake plant.

Hi Ladies! The story below was submitted by Carmen. Oh…. Carmen!! Us ladies slip all the time, but you didn’t slip! When a female is insecure about something, she is extra sensitive to anything that might reference her insecurity. I have a large head. I do…it’s big… 25 1/2 inch radius – I’m pretty sure Andre The Giant is the only one in this galaxy that could beat my measurement. Remember when “Austin Powers,” came out and Mike Myer’s Irish character’s “HEED!” (the name he called his child who had an enormous head) was quoted all the time? I was a wreck. When I heard someone quote and laugh about it, I would swear on my Jennifer Aniston shag (popular at the time) that everyone was making fun of me. THEY WERENT! They were making fun of my “shag” that looked more like a mullet because the stylist butchered it, but not the size of my head! Your boss is extra sensitive about her weight right now, so just let it go.  You two will laugh about it once your relationship develops. Oh, and, Cameron, step away from “The Urban Dictionary!” Girl, you’re not alone if you’re worried about job security and it makes you act like a toolbag. I do it everyday!  And now…. Carmen:

I can’t get over this. I got a new job in a bad economy and I’ve been trying harder than usual to fit-in. I just want to assure my job is secure. I’ll make the cheesiest comments then wince afterwards because I’m so embarrassed of what a cheeseball I sound like. It’s not like me at all. I’m using words I NEVER USE!! I’m trying too hard to be cool. Today, my boss, who’s younger and trendy (and a little overweight), came into the office with a really cool belt over her suit jacket. It was creative, super sophisticated and I saw an opportunity to compliment her. “I love your belt! I like how you put it over your suit jacket, you really pulled it off well. You look PHAT!” Because I just spelled PHAT, you know that I meant it as “fabulous,” but my boss thought I slipped subconsciously and said, “fat,” instead of “great.” UGH! Again, I never use the term PHAT, how corny!! I was just trying to bond with my boss! She went into a brief explanation about how she has a thyroid problem and she’s trying to control her weight gain and hasn’t succeeded. I then tried to explain that I meant P-H-A-T and didn’t even think about her weight. I truly thought she looked great.  She didn’t buy it. She said she knew what she looked like and there was no need to explain. She knew she was overweight. The more I talked, the more pissed she got so I dropped it, but I feel like an idiot. My coworkers thought it was funny and told me not to worry about it, but it’s not that easy. Moving forward, I will stop TRYING so hard. No more talking slang and trying to fit in. Obviously, it gets me NOWHERE!

AHHHH.. the Holidays!!! I love them! Not only for the weather, spirit, parties, gifts, but also for the holiday drinking that causes inhibitions to fall like soft winter snow.  Meet Angela, she’s a victim of the typical holiday party/work/hook-up blunder.  No worries, Angela, SERIOUSLY, girl, you are not alone if you makeout during work festivities.  Well, of course you’re not, someone is making out with you.. well, I hope they are.. I wouldn’t know  how that would work.. let me ponder. But, I’m speaking hypothetically among the female gender.  Hold that chin high, then kick Mr. Young Giggles into the land of job searching. Good luck on that one, young stud.

 I’m a cliche. I drank too much at my office party and went home with my intern. Granted he is hot and charming. But, he’s my intern! Apparently, after 4 martinis, I told him I wanted to talk about his future with our company, but somewhere more private so the others wouldn’t hear. I took him to my place.  While I thought I was being smooth, he was thinking about how he was going to get laid and tell everyone about it. Which he did both. I also heard from my coworker that I asked him to do me in the copy room. I think he lied about that one because there’s not much room in the copy room and I would not think it appealing to have sex there, not even drunk. I’m sitting in my office right now typing this because walking around is painful. He keeps looking down and smiling. Everyone is talking about it. I keep trying to channel Samantha from “Sex in the City,” she would know what to do. I think I’m going to enjoy telling him that bragging may cause me to look like an idiot, but I get to keep my job (after I grovel to my boss, of course. )  He just lost his chance at a job.

Happy Holidays,

Angela

I tell ya… I am so freakin happy I started this blog. I have officially denounced myself as a train wreck. I’m not a train wreck… I’m simply a busy woman and there is a shit ton of us all over the globe falling, wetting our pants, saying things we shouldn’t, losing kids in the grocery store… and a million other things!! I have started a movement and we’re all stepping forward! WOOHOOO! Okay.. I am now removing my hand from my back.. I have stopped patting my back. On to the story:

I received a phone call yesterday from a girlfriend.. who put me on speaker with a total stranger. This stranger was her coworker who burst into my friend’s office frustrated with her day. Of course… after hearing the story… she called me and said “Lauren, you have to hear this…. Tracy, go ahead an tell Lauren your story. She’s going to blog about it, but she won’t use your real name.” In fact, Tracy is not her real name… I protect those who want to be protected. Excuse me… I need to put on my Wonder Woman suit.. I hope it stills fits the way it did when I was 10..

Anywho, Tracy went on to tell me her story. She was stepping off the elevator in her office building on the way to a client lunch. When she stepped off the elevator.. her shoe fell off and she tripped forward. Once she composed herself and realized the shoe was still in the elevator.. the doors had closed and the elevator proceeded up.  She thought the best way to get her HIGH HEELED shoe back was to hit the elevator button calling it down.  When the doors opened.. her shoe was gone. Here she is with one heel on… we’re talking a 3 inch heel..  about to be late for a client lunch and not knowing if she should wait to see if someone was bringing it down or go after it. She would be limping around with one shoe or walking around in her stockings in a professional building if she proceeded after it. She tells security.. they said they’ll inform everyone on duty about it and contact her if someone brings it down. The elevator with her shoe had stopped on numerous floors in a 50 story building.. it would take forever to run after it.

She went back upstairs to her office to find someone who may have an extra pair of shoes. She did.. an older woman who had black zebra print flats and Tracy had on brown patterned pants – total clash and the pants were now too long. She’s walking around in the city, with her pants dragging in rain.. with one shoe in her purse. She goes to lunch with her clients. Tells the story.. haha.. they laugh. All is great. As she’s leaving the restaurant.. she steps on the hem of her too-long pants and falls face-first on the wet dirty sidewalk in front of her clients…SO.. here she is.. mismatched shoes.. pants that are too long with the hem all wet and now a wet and dirty CREAM, yes… ladies.. CREAM jacket. She goes back to her building.. checks with security.. still no sign of the shoe… she has other meetings and no time to clean up. She trips a second time after another meeting, but this time, doesn’t fall to the ground, but graps onto a man in front of her and almost takes him down. At the end of the day, defeated, she comes back to her office. What does she find on top of her desk???? Her other MOTHER DADDY of a shoe!!! A coworker saw it and just knew Tracy would come back to her office before she went back out so she placed it in the most visible area. Tracy did came back up to the FLOOR of her office.. just not her ACTUAL office. She could have dodged an entire day of tripping, ruining pants and possibly showing up on Glamour magazine’s “What Not To Wear” page where they black out your face, but show the shunned outfit.

Tracy…. I have a prescription for you… it’s called Vodka… you just high-tale it to the grocery story and fill that prescription. If you don’t drink.. then I just simply suggest you start. Ice cream won’t wipe out that kind of day.  But, don’t you worry, Little Missy, you are not alone. When you were lip-locking with wet cement… so were about 10,000 other girls at the same moment.  Now.. go drink your vodka.