I'm on the far left. Notice my model-move of bending my arm away from my body to make it look smaller? CHALLENGE IS ON!

Girl, you’re not alone if you went to the beach, saw pictures and had to do a double take at the chubby girl that happened to be you. Girl, you’re also not alone if you went to the doctor this morning and weighed the same as you did 2 months ago when you had gained 12 lbs of water weight because of inflamed muscle tissue!!!!! Why, cheese and sausage?!? Why do you do this to me??

I can’t just be pissed at myself… I decided to be pissed at Shape magazine as well. I’ve gotten this freakin’ magazine every month for 2 years so I can see some airbrushed celebrity on the cover, flip through it to a workout that’s too complicated, not to mention slightly uncomfortable to figure out in public, AND why would I spend money on equipment that I’d only use for one workout? I BLAME Shape!! It’s not realistic to do their workouts and suggested regimens…especially from my couch. I’m wasting money and I have a front-butt in my use-to-be baggy slacks. By the way, I’m so tormented, I’m eating a box of Trader Joe’s chocolate truffles right now (at least no chemicals are added.)

I’m tired of feeling disgusting and tired of wasting money on a magazine that depresses me. I don’t care how many people say, “You look fine,” or “Oh, Lauren, you’re thin!!” I know I’m not doing the best with what I’ve got. I’m 5′7″ and 160 lbs….. if I were a C List actress, Jenny Craig would be working a deal with my manager this mother of a second!  So, quiet down, ladies, I have an announcement!! Shape (or people at the publication since Shape is not actually a person) HEAR THIS:

I’m giving you and the discipline I haven’t had since the age of 22, one last chance! I’m conducting my own Shape Challenge. Every month, as I receive a new issue, I will follow the workouts, tips, recipes, etc featured for that month. And every Sunday evening, I will blog about my progress, or lack-there-of, from the previous week. I will not bitch, I will just do!! If your do-it-yourself workouts do not work THEN I AM CANCELING MY SUBSCRIBTION AND BLOGGING ABOUT IT!!! Scared, huh? You just watch yourself, you stupid health magazine that’s run by skinny people who workout and eat stuff like… vegetables… and salad.. and frozen yogurt. JUST WATCH YOURSELF!

Today, I begin Natasha Bedingfield’s circuit training workout from the July issue which is only available in the actual magazine, not on the website:

http://www.shape.com/

I’ll do the circuit training 3 days a week and run 3 days a week. I’ll let you know how my first 5 days go. NATASHA, you better bring me a pocket full of freakin sunshine!!! 

Current status: chubby. Goal: 130 lbs.

Let the weight loss begin!!

THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I STARTED A BLOG!!!!!!! Us ladies are NEVER EVER EVER ALONE!!! Five days ago when I declared war on my ass o’ plenty and challenged Shape magazine, I’ve been getting TONS of emails from other women supporting me AND joining me. One of my best friends, Erica, called me Wednesday night after reading my blog and said, “I’m doing this with you.” I have to say between the emails and Erica’s call, my first reaction was Mother of Crap, I really have to do this. I have to follow through, get my love humps off the sunken left cushion of my couch and freakin workout and lose weight. WHAT THE HELL HAVE I DONE?!?!?!? NOOOOOOO!!! ICE CREAM SANDWICHES SAVE ME!! Okay, that was dramatic… but it did happen that way. My next reaction was, I have people inspired and pumped up, I’m really going to do this. I’m 32 - I’ve been battling my weight for 12 years, it’s time for me to follow through and get to a place that makes me happy. Sporting a jelly donut may make my mouth happy, but my ass hasn’t talked to me for years.

Real quick - Erica and I met 8 years ago at a sports bar named Duffy’s when we were both in our 20’s and clueless. I had come to Chicago from Memphis, TN and Er trained me as a server. Our immediate bond was that we proclaimed every Monday the start of a new diet and finally losing our Chicago weight. Our mantra was THIS TIME IS FOR REAL!!!! WE’RE REALLY LOSING THE WEIGHT THIS TIME!!! IT’S HAPPENING. That was almost 8 years ago. So , yes, we’ve been struggling and announcing our dedication towards losing weight for that FREAKIN LONG!! I think the longest we went without falling off the wagon was a month, but when we fell, we fell hard into a river of booze and late-night tacos.

Okay - so back to now. Since challenging Shape and my promise to blog about the results every Sunday, I now have more than just the two of us holding me accountable which is pretty motivating. Erica and I are doing the July Natasha Beddingfield workout together. By the way, teaming up is something I highly recommend since we looked like total douche bags sweating over a magazine at Crunch in between sets and shouting, “Wait, how many do we do?” while rolling off the stability ball. Well… that was actually me rolling off the damn ball. IT WON’T STAY STILL!

SOOOO it’s Sunday and you know what that means… drum roll please….. my first week since cursing SHAPE and actually working out resulted in ….. 4 pounds! Take that Nicole Richie! And I actually ate too!

WOOHOOO! So SHAPE held their own this week… let’s see how the next week goes. Get your asses back here for updates, I may be in the hospital for a stability ball injury, but you can bet your mama’s fried chicken I’ll be bench pressing the nurse, because IT IS ON!!!!!!

Erica showing some skill on the side-lunge

Me attempting a girl-style push-up. I think I puked after this picture. I'm kidding... no I'm not.

Erica. Look at those arms!! It's Happening!!

BREAKING NEWS!! Really, please get a pen and paper now or print out this post. What I’m about to say is brand new information and I want full credit. Focus….. here it is:

If you workout…….you’ll lose weight.

Don’t try to steal that idea, I’m already in the works to patent it, write a book, perhaps pitch it as a reality TV show. I was thinking of calling it, “Biggest Loser.” Thoughts? Ohhh… I’m sorry all of the aforementioned is not news, in fact, it’s all been done!!!

Okay, so Shape magazine, (have you noticed Shape has become a human being and not just printed information on glossy paper bonded into a health source for women?) you’re doing good, you’re proving yourself. I’m down a total of 6 lbs since my start two weeks ago. You and I are becoming closer. You’re actually the Justin Timberlake and I, Britney, in this JT/Brit dance-off. You’re showing me that your moves are a little more fine-tuned. I get it. I’m starting to like you.

Here’s a summary of last week. Erica (my partner in my personal Shape Challenge) and I did the workout featured in the July issue three times last week after a 30 minute cardio session. The other three days, we worked out on our own with one hour cardio sessions. I lost 2lbs last week, Er lost 1lb (however, she’s been on a plan since the beginning of the year and is actually down significantly.)  WOOHOOO! A pound lost is an inch on my zipper gained. The one thing I could’ve done better was food choices. I for one, did not focus on eating… good.. oh I ate.. just a lot of carbs and didn’t take calories into consideration. So I made out a meal plan for next week, limiting my calorie intake to 1,600 per day and then continuing circuit sessions with Erica three times a week, cardio six times a week.

I received my new Shape August issue. It features Jada Pickett Smith curling small children and bench-pressing 18 wheelers. DEAR GOD! That little girl can LIGHT IT UP! Her workout scares the crap out of me - she does push-ups on free weights… not the ground… freakin free weights. Well, Jada, why don’t you pickup that little 50 lb free weight and smooch me with it. Not my 5 lb weight -  that will only leave a bruise - no, I need to be knocked out before I participate in your exercise shananagans.

To get this exercise, you have to actually buy the August issue, so if you’re following along, go grab it at your nearest news stand. We’re going to try the new workout at the end of this week. BUT, I got some great recipes online for next week:

http://www.shape.com/search

Okay, so stick your head in next Sunday for our ShapeChallenge results from Week 3. But, come back daily because I still blog everyday, just not about this subject because I’m not a whiney girl who obessess about her weight everyday. I obssess about other things, like, why am I not rich? Or why am I not married to Bradley Cooper? Or why is my left eye a little higher than my right? Why did my sister have to get feet that’s proportioned to her height while I was gifted with a foot size that would accomodate a 6′3″ woman?

If you’re just learning of my challenge, visit my other posts!!

http://girlyourenotalone.com/category/laurens-shape-challenge/

See you gals tomorrow!

The shirt's a little baggy!! It still took me 5 minutes to get out of that position.

Can I get a WOO WOO???? WOO!! WOO!! Get on a treadmill, pick up some free weights and what do you know… Mr. Lard Pockets gets his ass whipped by the Exercise Fairy. She is no joke… you start getting that Fairy in your corner and she goes all GI Jane on Mr. Lumpy Ass, Miss Cellulite, Captain Cottage Cheese Thighs and Mrs. Muffin Top. You know how the Tooth Fairy leaves you a dollar under your pillow and you wake-up and find it? The Exercise Fairy sucks fat from your thighs and while you’re forcing your sore body from bed to bathroom, you realize that you’re not getting that morning chafe from kissing thighs. Thank you, Exercise Fairy. You work for Shape Magazine, don’t you? Shape and I are becoming better friends the more we hangout together.

OKAY YOU CUTIES….. WEEK 3 RESULTS:

Me: 2 lbs, down a total of 8 lbs in 3 weeks

Erica: 1 lb, down a total of 3 lbs in 3 weeks

We’re a month behind though, because we haven’t tried the August Workout, AKA Jada Pickett-Smith Exercise, because we’re still hooked on Natasha Bedingfield’s Exercise. We’re finally at the point where we don’t have to look at the July issue of Shape to remember what move comes next so we wanted to bask in the glory of our short-term circuit training knowledge. HOWEVER, we start the August workout this week. Damn Jada and her crazy jump-ropin’, 50 lb benchin’ , rocked-out muscles. JADA - you better watch yourself and your perfect bicep-ed hubby AKA Fresh Prince, Erica and I are coming after you!!!! Well, sort-of, we’re going to try your workout and I’m pretty sure we’ll cry… or moan a little.. not really moan.. more like wince. We’re getting stronger. I’m not really talking to you, am I Jada? I’m just typing to air… but maybe you’ve found my blog and you’re reading this… call me…. or maybe I can come to LA and we can have dinner? I like salmon.. I read in the August issue you do too.. Okay, I’m starting to scare myself with this imaginary blogging to you. Good-bye. Tell Will - S’up.

Here’s a breakdown of last week’s workout:

Mon - 1 hour cardio/ Tues - 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Wed - Lauren slacked, Erica spinned for 45 min/

Thur - 30 min cardio then circuit training/ Fri - 45 cardio/ Sat - 45 min Spinning / Sun - Lauren slacked, Erica cardio/circuit

I slacked two days, but still got in 5 workouts. Food note: I ate well, but drank wine (or a bottle) on a few occasions and may have eaten too much cheese. Two things I’ll work on this week. Erica ate well, but said she went a little food crazy Friday and Saturday. SO, no regrets, we lost weight and we’ll just re-energize and tackle this week.

I will say this, it’s very different from any time I decided to lose weight. I want this to be a life-style change which means freaking out about a missed workout and a few high calorie-indulgences is a waste of time. I just fix it the next meal/workout.

GIRL POWER!!!!

If you’re on your own weight loss journey, GIRL speak up!! Comment! You’re not alone and I’m not either so spill it. Jada, you’re welcome to comment as well.

Someone come over here and kick my ass. Seriously, I’ll bend over and let you. I won’t fight.. I’ll simply assume the position because I know THAT I FREAKIN DESERVE IT! Week 4 results:

Erica - 4 lbs - WOOHOOO!! Total weight loss in 4 weeks - 7 lbs

Lauren -  0lbs - SLACKER!! Total weight loss in 4 weeks - 8 lbs

Erica rocked out. She worked out all week and took processed foods out of her diet so her 1lb a week slump was SMASHED last week. High-five, Erica!!!

So here’s what I did wrong.  I worked out only three times this week, entertained a lot -went hog wild on food and drank as well. BOO!!! Move over Kirstie Alley…. I’ll take your Big Mac and raise you a Quarter Pounder with Super-sized fries. FOR THE LOVE OF THIN PEOPLE!! I will not go down like this!! JADA PICKETT-SMITH HELP ME!

After I weighed myself, I passed out, cried, threw-up and then I…. okay I’m being totally dramatic. After I weighed myself I thought Holy Crap, I didn’t gain 5 lbs like I thought. I stayed the same! WHEW! You still suck, Lauren… but, dang, Mei Lynn did a smokin’ job on your pedicure.   I then decided to get advice from my new BFF, SHAPE magazine. If you haven’t been following this, SHAPE, has actually evolved from a magazine made of paper to a full-functioning human being. Don’t ask me how it happened, but she is now my best friend so back off.

Anyway - went to shape.com and put “get back on track” in the search box. Several article links popped up, so I was relieved that multiple people had to write articles about falling off the wagon, because it’s obviously in high demand:

http://www.shape.com/weight_loss/diets/lifestyle_changes/motivational_techniques/21_day_makeover_day_21_5_ways_to_get_back_on_track

My strategy this week to tame this tooshy is to just get back on track and use some of the tips given from the link above:

1) Schedule workouts for the entire week. Erica and I will help eachother be accountable

2) Sign up online to track calorie in-take and get more recipes http://www.shapedietplan.com/sdp/reg/home.html

3) Plan meals/food for the week and stack my frig!! This is my downfall - if I don’t have good food in reach at all times- I’m done for. Twinkies, Snickers, Chocolate… come hither!

4) Start a food long

Okay - that’s a good start. So the workout is to do the JPS workout 3 times this week and cardio 6 times this week as well.

Erica, jump on my back, honey, AND AWAAAYYY WE GO!!!!!!!

Erica and I yesterday. Slimming down. Don't you love our make-your-arm-look-thinner trick? Hand on hip. We had no idea the other was doing it!! HA! I hope to one day not have to do it.

I know.. I know!! I should’ve posted this LAST Sunday!! My timing is off! I won’t do it again! PROMISE. Actually, I have a good excuse - my partner in exercise, Erica, whisked me off to Martha’s Vineyard as of  Sat, August 22nd.  Hello, heaven! She’s an East Coaster and vacationed in MV every summer since she was a wee-one in diapers. I went with her two years ago and she yanked me along for the ride this time as well. Actually, she didn’t have to yank too hard! She was like “Lauren, will you come to Martha’s Vine…” and I interrupted her with a “YESSSS!!! Will you marry me?” I might or might not have jumped in her lap knocking her over. It sounds sort-of romantic, she is, in fact, my Heterosexual Life Partner, however, catch the “heterosexual,” we’re not in the lesbian way. That’s not a knock, I have lesbian friends, we just like our men.

Anyhow - despite the vaca - we’ve managed to be active everyday - I REFUSE TO GAIN WEIGHT! Let’s talk about last week’s results:

Erica - 0 lbs -she had a big Week 4. Total weight loss in 5 weeks - 7 lbs

Lauren -  2lbs - had to rebound from Week 4!! Total weight loss in 5 weeks - 10 lbs

Exercise is such key. You hit that gym, keep a food journal and it really does come off. Everyone is reading this and saying “No shit?” But, take it from a crash, yo-yo dieter, this Steady Edy approach is totally new to me. I’m just not freaking out or obsessing. That’s what I’ve done in the past - hit it too hard, too fast then fizzled-out early. Now, if I get off track, I just jump back on the next meal or workout. This weight is coming off for good. Move over, Jennifer Aniston… well, actually don’t… I don’t think I’m capable of your body. The Wine and Chocolate Monster attack me often!

As I said - I’m in Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. Although we’re not blocking lobster and the BEST-CLAM-CHOWDER-EVER indulgences, we are watching what we eat during the day and I get my butt up every morning and huff-it running at least 4 miles. I also leaned on my BFF SHAPE magazine and did some research. Here’s a good link for staying on track while vacationing:

http://www.shape.com/fitness/workouts/cardio/at_home/4_ways_to_stay_fit_on_vacation

Come back on Sunday to see who wins the fight between Martha’s Vineyard vs Lauren’s Ass!! (Que “Eye of the Tiger”)

Ahh... Martha's Vineyard. Not a great picture of us, but a major improvement in my mid-section and arms. Look at Erica's legs! Keep on keepin' on!

Let’s not beat around the bush. Erica and I jumped the ferry to Martha’s Vineyard and rode the “vacation” excuse like a wild horse and never tamed it. Erica had a goal to eat lobster at least once everyday and I fell in love. Yes, Rob, move over, you have been replaced by a much more enticing species… called.. Murdick’s Fudge. Slap me… harder.. no harder!! Okay.. that was too hard. Actually, not hard enough! I’m in still in love with fudge!! Ladies, this stuff is amazing! I live next to the Fudge Pot in Chicago, always loved it, but Murdick’s Tanya Harding’s it to the ground.

http://murdicks.com/fudge/

I had a love affair with fudge and Erica with lobster. HOWEVER, what did I say last week? I WILL NOT GAIN WEIGHT.. so I ran like vegetables were chasing me, EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY! Although we didn’t lose anything, we didn’t gain either which is pretty darn good for people who swam in butter and cream for a week. We did watch our food intake during the day, but when dark came… ohhhhh, Lordy.

When I arrived home on Sunday, though, I was greeted by the September issue of Shape magazine reminding me that vacation was over and the gym awaits.. as well as the veggies.

I got some good recipes this week so I’m not just eating things that taste like cardboard:

http://www.shape.com/healthy_eating/10_minute_meals

I’m hoping for a 4lb weight loss this week which would put me at 146lbs! I haven’t seen that weight in years. Don’t forget, this Sunday I post Week 7 results so you can heckle me if I don’t lose that amount! It’s fun to heckle - I can take it.  Bring it.

I was doing Jazzercise.... at a bar

Even at a bar on vacation… Erica is dedicated to her cardio!

PARTY PEOPLE!!!!!! Clap your haaanddss!!!

Pack it up, pack it in
Let me begin
I came to win
Battle me that’s a sin
I won’t tear the sack up
Punk you’d better back up
Try and play the role and the whole crew will act up
Get up, stand up, come on!
Come on, throw your hands up
If you’ve got the feeling jump across the ceiling
Muggs is a funk fest, someone’s talking junk
Yo, I’ll bust em in the eye
And then I’ll take the punks home
Feel it, funk it
Amps it are junkin
And I got more rhymes than there’s cops that are dunkin
Donuts shop
Sure ’nuff I got props from the kids on the Hill
Plus my mom and my pops

I came to get down
So get out your seats and jump around
Jump around
Jump up Jump up and get down.
Jump!!!

Whew… that felt good.. excuse me… let me catch my.. whew.. breath.  breathing, breathing, breathing..

Okay! Let’s talk Shape Challenge results for Week 7:

Erica - 1/2 lb. Total weight loss in 7 weeks - 8 lbs

Lauren -  1lb. Total weight loss in 7 weeks - 11 lbs

I have to say, my emotions about last week’s weight loss is mixed. Would love to have lost more as I was super strict on food and my workout, HOWEVER, I am now 149lbs and, Mama, I’ve been waiting for my 40’s!! How many women do you know say that? So.. a big.. WOOHOOO!!! Hence, my whole rap while jumping around at the beginning of this post. Maybe I sweat off another lb by dancing? Please hold… let me strip and re-weigh…. DAMN! NO! Oh well..

I haven’t weighed in the 140’s in about 3 years. It’s really nice to hug you again, oh, different weight range. I know what I did wrong last week. I freaked out and obsessed. I didn’t eat breakfast, didn’t eat enough throughout the day and worked out like an idiot. It works for some people, obviously not me as I got the bird from my scale. Hey, 1 lb is still a loss and I’ll take it.

We started a new workout from Shape’s September issue. It’s called, “4 Weeks to a Slimmer, Sexier You,” page 145. Shape, you better put your money where your mouth is! Come October 1st, I better be slimmer and sexier! I want to write my October 1st post in negliche, fuzzy heels and red lipstick because I’m so HUMPIN sexy that I can’t bear to where sweats!! Anywho, all you need for this workout is a resistance band because it’s a fusion of sculpting and cardio.  The workout plan for September:

Cardio/Sculpt Workout - 3 days a week

30 min to 1 hour of Cardio - 6 days a week

I’m hooked on the community support groups on the Shape site. I’m making BFF’s all over the place. Go to the site and select “Community,” then sign-up for a group. We give each other tips, cheer on one another and talk about gas. Listen - YOU GET GAS WHEN YOU EAT CERTAIN FOODS!!!!

http://www.shape.com/

Come back tomorrow for a new post, but knock on my door again next Sunday to help me STAY in my ’40’s.

Also, ladies, I know there are a TON of you trying to lose weight out there. Let’s hold hands… vent in the little box below that says “Comment.” I need to change it to “Vent,” I’m just not that savvy yet.

XOXO!

I like to wine. It’s healthy to wine in small doses, but not in large doses. But, when it comes to weight loss, wine-ing doesn’t get you too far. And, no, I didn’t spell “whine” wrong because I’m not talking about the act of complaining.  I’m talkin’ the act of guzzling down some fermented grapes, Mama!!! For the love of Napa Valley - I don’t have the strength!! Last week:

Lauren - Week 9 - 1lb - total weight lost - 12 lbs - 148 lbs

Last week was a pour-salt-on-my-wound week. A lot of crap happened. That is a different post and a novel in itself. Won’t go there today.  Just think of the worst week of your work, social and personal life and you’ll get the idea of last week for me.  I ran like Forrest Gump, but drank like Mel Gibson. No excuse, I just limited myself to a 1lb weight loss. But, hell, I wined and still lost weight. Can’t complain, but you can image what will have to be omitted for the next couple of weeks… WINE!! Oh.. how I love thee… let me count the grapes..

I just got my October SHAPE with a half-naked Jennifer Love Hewitt on the front. I starred at it, drank my wine and decided to read on Tuesday evening so I wouldn’t jump out the window. I’m enduring her perky-boobs and defined abs tonight. Here’s the deal; I’m not oblivious to the fact that I’ve slacked for a month. I know it. I’m actually admitting it right now. That’s what I just did. So the results don’t feel as good as they should. Let me tell you something though, I have a side of me that is a kick-ass, strong woman and she won’t stand for slacking! I just felt a slap across my face.  The strong side just slapped me. GOOD! BRING IT!

Ass is in the gym now! I’m going, Strong Woman Side.. don’t hurt me. The lesson I learned last week was that wine-ing too much will just ignite sweet love between your growing ass and the couch. That’s one love affair that is just mash-potatoes wrong.

If you’ve been trying to sweat it off  - no matter it’s the SHAPE Challenge or whatever diet - put your weekly weigh-in below! Keep track with me!

I’m pissed. Frustrated. I want to step out of my body - turn around - and bitch-slap myself all over the place. I’m in a rut, ladies. Same as last week… I didn’t gain a pound, but I didn’t move down the scale either. The only reason I think I didn’t gain weight last week is because I had a dance off (by myself) last night for two hours which burned a crap-load of calories (and threw-out my hip. AND YES, it is a little pathetic to be doing this by myself on a Saturday night. Whatever.)  Oooohhhh… DISCIPLINE.. where the hell are you when I need you?? SHAPE - you are suppose to be my BFF?!? True, you are a magazine and not a human being, but for the LOVE OF BARBIE, DO SOMETHING!!!!! Have one of your models, trainers, or editors jump out of that freakin magazine of thinness and kick my ass back onto the weight loss track!!!!!

I’m stuck in my 40’s!! I’ll never see my 30’s, will I? Screw that - I just want to see my early 40’s!!! I am 148lbs and not moving. Just sitting here in neutral. NOT MOVING!! Why? Because I’m letting this mother of an economy and all it’s wrath bring me down to the land of wine, ice cream and couch sitting!!!!! CAN YOU TELL THAT I’M SCREAM-TYPING RIGHT NOW ?? Gods of Metabolism, HELP ME!!!!!!!

This is me screaming... and throwing an F Bomb.

Okay, breakdown is over. No more using work and personal problems as an excuse. I’m not going to type positivity, I’m just going to say that I’m getting my ass into the fat-eating gym, my hands out of the ice cream and I’m not replenishing my wine supply either! WHEW! I feel better.

I refuse to stay 148lb. I would be letting myself and you guys down. When I weigh-in next Sunday - I will be 145lb. I won’t except less!!!! I think this post/breakdown just helped me burn 500 calories because I’m winded.

Game FREAKIN on.

First off - Melissa and Karin - WAY TO GO!! You girls are my motivation and you’re staying with it. I’m so happy for you!! KEEP GOING!

See. SHAPE and I are still BFF's. I get a 2nd chance!

Second - Erica and I are not posting our weight simply because last week was official Dietcation Week and we want to respect President Obama… because he was the one who declared that everyone dieting stop for a week. It was on the news. Richard Simmons was there… and so was Jillian Michaels. They were both eating cupcakes and doing keg stands.  Denise Austin was holding their feet during the keg stand. Valerie Latona, Editor In Chief of SHAPE, was eating a box of Twinkies and drinking a gallon of chocolate milk while watching “Sex in the City”  DVD’s. I swear…. it was an ”Oprah” special and everything. OKAY, OKAY, O FREAKIN’ KAY!!! I’M LYING!!! But, I had a dream about it and I’m sort-of physic so it could happen.

I fell off the wagon, but I had a rope tied to my ankle so I’m still being dragged behind it. I’ll get back on this week.

Can I use the excuse that my place was being renovated and it was easier to grab fast food for lunch? NO!

Can I use the excuse that I was stressed and discombobulated so going to the gym was too much of a hassle? NO!

Can I use the excuse that Kirstie Alley sat on me and violently forced milk shakes down my trachea? …. Well, it was by force.. so.. YES!! DAMN YOU, KIRSTIE ALLEY! I will not go down with you!!!

Next Sunday, if I don’t report that I am 145 lbs, I’m checking myself into the Green Mountain Camp in Vermont. Do or DIE!!! (Que dramatic music)

Hello LOSERS - yeah, I’m talkin’ to all you ladies. You are losers! WEIGHT LOSERS! Okay, that was the lamest thing I’ve ever said. I was channeling “The Office’s” Michael Scott when I said that. Someone smack me with a yoga mat - I think it will help.

I’m in a extra good mood today because I FINALLY freakin’ got to 145! I’m half-way to my goal. Another 15lbs to go and I’ll be walking around the City of Chicago in my underwear. I’m serious. If I hit the weight I haven’t seen in 12 years (130 lbs) , I will buy a pair of naughty knickers and strut those bad boys around the city singing, “Let’s Get Physical.” Wait.. I will then look like a prostitute.. I didn’t think this through. If there are any volunteers for bailing me out of jail at that time, please let me know and I’ll give you an emergency ATM card.

Here’s the breakdown for last week:

Lauren - Week 14 - 2lbs - total weight lost - 15 lbs - 145 lbs

Erica -  Week 14 - 1lb - total weight lost - 10 lbs

So here’s my goal movingforward: Stay steady. For the last 6 weeks, I’ve been flippingback and forth between dedication and fudge wrestling with my fridge. The friends in my life that have stayed fit workout five days a week and automatically pick healthy choices no matter restaurant or home. It’s just habit and a way of life for them. I actually looked-up how long it takes to form a habit. I’ve always heard 21 days, but then I did a little google-ing. Check out this article. Here’s the author’s consensus on forming habits:

It’s instant.
Breaking an old habit or starting a new one is “done” as soon as you make a true commitment to yourself that it’s what you’re going to do.

http://www.howtofeelhappier.com/blog/2009/01/how-long-does-it-take-to-break-a-habit/

High freakin’ five. I completely agree with that. If I make a decision to snorkel in macaroni and cheese, by goodness, chains and an 18-wheeler couldn’t keep me away.  Also, it kills me that I always make time for TV shows or drinks with friends, but somehow, I just can’t find the time to workout or go to the grocery store. Excuses, excuses! I’m making the decision to be consistent, to get my butt to the gym 5 days a week and make time for it. I just gotta do it. I don’t want to take another 14 weeks to get to my goal weight when I can get there in 7 weeks!!

Karin & Melissa - you guys are doing great. Let us know how last week went.

So… let’s join hands, ladies… everyone gather in a circle.. repeat after me: I… state your name… promise to BITCH SLAP grease, cheese and other artery clogging delicacies and make the gym my new lover at least 5 times a week. I will not make excuses any longer nor will I secretly cyber-stalk Heidi Klum and photo-shop Carly Wilson’s body on hers in an effort to make myself feel better (if I do it - I know everyone does…right?)

WOOHOO!!

Weight loss feels like watching a Channing Tatum movie and eating buttery soaked popcorn.

I didn’t lose a pound this week. NOPE! Not a pound. Maybe an ounce, but I don’t count those until they equate to a pound. Did I workout? HELL TO THE YES!! Did I eat healthy? HELL TO THE YES!! Did I drink? HELL TO THE NO! Did I eat way too many healthy carbs versus my veggie/protein intake? HELL TO THE YES!!

So, there you have it. When you don’t balance out your food, the Diet Fairy bops you on the head with her cute little bitch stick. She flies in with her blue flowing dress (like the Good Witch Linda from Oz), smiling, birds singing, the sun shinning and you remember her approaching you then you awake with a HUGE knot your head, on the ground with a note attached to your forehead saying, “Don’t forgot to balance your food choices or you won’t lose any weight.” It did happen that way!! Hasn’t the Diet Fairy ever visited you? I think I might be going crazy…. it’s carb overload and lack of wine… I mean fruit.

SO.. we now know what I need to fix next week. All I’ve got to say is 145lbs feels likes buttery popcorn during a Channing Tatum movie. HOT! Dear goodness, I wonder what 130lbs will feel like. Mama, hold me back!! 130lbs - hold on baby, I’m coming!!

Oh, my BFF SHAPE came and visited me this week. Jenna Fischer was on the cover rockin’ a fit, HEALTHY, REAL body. It was very refreshing. I will try out her workout tonight. Also, there’s a recipe for Corn Chowder that’s only 178 calories per 2 cups that I can’t wait to try. I love soup in the fall!! It’s not online so maybe I’ll try it, if I like it and don’t feel like all the bliss left with the butter… I’ll post it.

Happy weight loss, gals. KEEP going!! No matter what the scale says.. a new week is a new goal. WOOHOO!!

Ladies, let’s talk. Notice I didn’t post my Shape Challenge last week? That is because I GAINED 5lbs IN ONE WEEK!!!!! Yep - I made mad, passionate love to an entire vineyard, McDonald’s and an ice-cream truck. I was a huge slut for vices and my ass made me pay for it.  Needless to say the shame kept me from posting.  I ran.. not on the treadmill.. but AWAY from holding myself accountable. So.. last week I pulled a Renee Zellweger after she wrapped “Bridget Jone’s Diary” and kicked the bad habits. I lost 2lbs, I’m now 148lbs. Thanksgiving or not… I’m getting 3lbs off this week if I have to duct tape myself to the chair and pay someone to feed me vegetables!!!!!

Yeah… let’s just be honest… it felt good saying that…. I have good intentions… but I’m probably not going to lose 3lbs this week. I have to honor the Pilgrims and eat what they fought for. Well, they didn’t actually fight, but WHATEVER… they ate so everyone needs to eat to honor them!! What kind of American would I be if I denied mash potatoes and pumpkin pie??? I’m wearing my American flag dress (I’m internet shopping for one), putting on my bonnet and getting naughty with a TURKEY FEAST!!!!!!! SHAPE - you CANNOT STOP ME!!

Breathe…. calm.. take a minute.. Okay… I got worked up. Here’s my plan; I’m eating strict all week, turning my french fry energy into cardio and giving myself a cheat day on Thursday.  I have no idea what’s going to happen on the scale this Sunday, but I’ll do the best I can and give it up to the Weight Gods.

I have no idea where the serial killer face came from. Just look at the color/bangs.

By the way, you know when you feel like crap about yourself and need to do SOMETHING to make yourself feel better? I dyed my hair brown and got bangs.  I had to make a change.  New me.. new motivation!!! So far, brown and bangs like the Shape Challenge.

Okay girls… spill it.. how did you do the last two weeks? Karin.. you’re rockin’ out - CONGRATS!

She even BATHS in marinara. She loves it! This is Giada.

Nothing makes me want to jack-knife into a pool of nacho cheese more than when I’m making a plate of artery clogging, fat-boy nachos. So… you’ll understand why I want to loath Food Network star, Giada De Laurentiis. Her show features authentic Italian dishes from her childhood and, boy, does she get naughty with some olive oil, cream and butter.  Look how skinny she is!! She has to have a spit bucket on set. How the hell do you make pasta and not dive into it? At the end of each show, she samples the featured dish. I bet as soon as the director yells “cut,” she steps away from the plate of pasta heaven and bellys-up to broccoli. No way a full blooded Italian can be a chef and have a rockin’ bod without serious food discipline and a militant trainer.  I’m not sayin’…. but, I’m just sayin’…. there’s a point to why I brought her up and hating on her right now. Jealousy, of course, I have a lot of that for a lot of women…and Barbie.. but she doesn’t count because she’s plastic.. I’m Southern so I’m going to use that as partial justification for my rapid jealousy.

Sooo… I got my December issue of Shape, and guess who was on the cover? Yep, the Queen of Marinara herself. By the way, she puts marinara sauce on EVERYTHING… I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses it for facials and spackle, woman loves the stuff. Anywho, there she is with teeny tiny shorts on looking GOOOOD. It was very tasteful though, she didn’t sport a bikini. In the magazine, there are some really great recipes she created that are low cal. I made her Butternut Squash soup and it was very tasty. So, I don’t hate her as much now that I know she can tame the butter. At least I know she eats, that’s the way to my heart.. a girl who eats. 

It’s actually a really great issue. One of my favorites. It made me feel less guilty about being a chump with my challenge, especially during the holidays. The letter from the editor talks about surviving the holidays without gaining weight. The issue pretty much focused on still indulging moderately, not going overboard, and not freaking out about weight gain. It’s more about maintaining your current weight - not so much about losing it. Let’s face it, I just made holiday cookies with my girlfriends tonight and I ate more Hersey’s Kisses than I actually put on the peanut butter cookies. The chocolate kisses were an ingredient, but I was making it my snack, lunch and dinner. Quick confession… I’m eating a cookie now. I know.. boo for me. I just finished it. Crap. We’re all swimming in temptations, but during the holidays, it quadruples. I’m just glad Shape notices it and centers an entire issue on the subject. Seriously, ladies, go get it. I’m not getting kick-backs either.. wish I was..

That brings me to my weight loss. In leiu of my previous paragraphs, I’m going to call 1lb in two weeks (amid 6 Holiday Dinners, 2 birthdays and a cookie-making session) a SUCCESS!! Another quick confession, I was horrified to get on the scale. Completely horrified. I thought it was going to say plus 10, but it marked a weight loss!! WOOHOO!!!! Steady Eddy, Lauren, Steady Eddy.

There were a few 20 minute strength training routines in December’s issue that I’m going to give a whirl as well.

Ladies, one day at a time. It’s all about NOT GAINING WEIGHT until January 1st. Let’s not be chicks and make ourselves sick about losing weight. Let’s just maintain.. then we can freak out in 2010.

I just put up the cookies and I’m having a glass of water. Victory.

A little link I liked:

 http://www.shape.com/healthy_eating/meals_and_menus/holidays_and_entertaining/holidays/holiday_slim_lose_weight_weight_loss_fat

 Top of the evening to ya! I’ve been in my workout clothes for four hours managing not to workout yet, drink four cups of coffee and watch back to back episodes of  ”Jersey Shore,” which is a train wreck, by the way, but so addicting. The girls get into more fist fights than the men. That’s another post though and, don’t you worry, darlings, I will post about it. Girl, you’re not alone if you throw upper-cuts while in fishnets and a bustier. That’s very obvious as there’s plenty of girls fighting on the show. I wonder if they have female fight clubs in Jersey? I would love to spectate… while wearing a helmet with mace in one hand, a clenched taser in the other.

Let’s jump to the point… MY WEIGHT! Two lbs taken from my muffin this week! YAY! I know my whole point of the SHAPE Challenge is to do the SHAPE workouts, but in the January issue, there are workouts that focus on isolated moves, so I purchased a one month unlimited package at the local Bar Method studio: http://www.barmethod.com/whatis.html

I took four classes this week… one word…. WOWZERS! That sums up the quick results and the PAIN!!! OH THE PAIN! One of the movements is to stay in a sit position while pulsating for five minutes… not kidding. HURTS! But, beauty is pain and with two lbs off in five days… I’m a believer. Besides, SHAPE always encourages you to mix up your workouts. Also, I’m on a team that races up the AON building - it’s a stair climbing race up 89 mother crunchin’ steps. I started training for it… five flights and I wanted to fall over. I think I yelled “holy shit” every step on flight five. 84 to go! Sometimes I feel like half of me goes to sleep while the other half signs-up for crazy crap as a cruel joke… then I wake up.. and feel guilty if I don’t follow through with the crazy stuff.. like racing up 89 flights of steps!!!

If you would look at my handy dandy little chart below, this is my new 2010 initiative for tracking my 20lbs in 20 weeks goal.

One week to go and 19 left! What am I doing with all this counting? I was always horrible at math.. why am I starting to count now?

Happy weight loss, campers!

Stay tuned for my Jersey Shore post. It’s good stuff.. I get a little analytical.. and ghetto. It’s the nature of the beast, you are what you watch.

I’m annoyed. Did I have a tickle fest with butter? NO! Did I Kirstie Alley into a giant cake? NO! Did I shake through the Bar Method four times last week until my legs went numb? YES! Did I run up 50 flights of stairs, do the elipitical three times in training for the AON Stair climb? YES!! Did I eat steamed vegetables close my eyes and try to pretend it was macaroni and cheese? YES!!!!! BUT DID I LOSE MORE THAN A POUND?? HELL TO THE NO, WHITNEY HOUSTON, I DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!

I think I worked out more last week than I have in the past month, however, I don’t think I ate enough. I also don’t think I’ve ever uttered those words in my entire life…..”I didn’t eat enough.”  Who am I and what have the aliens done with the person who thinks if no one saw them eat the Snickers bar, you didn’t really eat it, therefore it doesn’t count against your daily calories? I feel the pain of those on “The Biggest Loser.” You’ll watch them carry tractor tires on their backs for two miles and then not lose anything. At least I lost 1lb. It’s just diasppointing after working out so much. I think my skin is turning into spandex. At this point, I can’t tell the difference between the two. I’m announcing that spandex, on my body, anyway, is officially an epidermis.

Before I break out my chart, let me take a moment to talk about the Bar Method. MAMA is it brutal!! But, my thighs aren’t making-out any longer and the fat on my biceps have exited from my armpits - this is only after 2 weeks. I love it. I’m at the point where I’m not happy going to class, by my legs are walking there whether I like it or not. I think they’re retaliating since they have to carry all the weight. Good for you, legs, way to be strong.  Here’s where I am as of Week 2:

I’m really good at one thing, well more than just one thing, I can put lip liner on without looking in the mirror. I REALLY excel, though, at calling myself out. I’m the first one to do it. It’s odd. I always get pissed at myself afterwards. I’m, right now, calling myself out about my food diary or lack thereof. I don’t have a damn food dairy because it’s just too hard to keep up with. I’ll be gung-ho at breakfast, but after 10am, some other bright shiny object steals my attention and the diary is done for. THIS IS A PROBLEM! I haven’t been eating bad, I just need to pay attention to my food. Well, other than crossing my eyes as I watch it enter my mouth or obsess about my next meal.

I’m going to do the SHAPE online calorie counter and food diary. I’m probably going to faint when I see how many calories I’m eating, but, hey, here’s to looking in the mirror.

Karin and Melissa - talk to me Goddesses of Sweat, how was Week 2?

AND AWAY WE GO!

HOLLA!!!!  I drove cross country from Chicago to California from Saturday to Monday - flew back to Chicago on Tuesday- hence my delayed SHAPE post and I still lost 2 lbs!!! WOOOOOO to the HOOOO!! It’s also my excuse for posting my weight so late in the week - I hadn’t a scale to weigh on! I promise to get back on track this Sunday!  

It helps that my girlfriend whom I traveled with, Tricia, tries to keep her diet mostly raw. I attribute my travel-weight-loss to her snack packing. Raw trail mix, raw cookies, fruits, raw this, raw that, raw edible seats… EVERYTHING FREAKIN RAW, including my ass after 30 hours in the car! RAW, RAW, RAW! That’s not agony you sense, it’s my new found, forced love for raw foods. AND the fact that I didn’t get naughty with the snack aisle at every gas station we stopped. I use to have a rule, “if you’re on the road, calories don’t count, ” that is, until my muffin started talking above my jean’s waist and my ass ordered an additional latte at Starbucks. That’s when you know it’s time to become BFF with the treadmill.

Remember last week when I vowed to keep a food journal? I kept my word. All last week I wrote down my food, it really holds you accountable. During my road trip, though, my log read this for Saturday and Sunday, ” alot of raw stuff that makes me clitch my butt cheeks together and pray.” Good stuff. Very soulful. Let’s visit my handy dandy chart:

Melissa and Karin - you ladies are bitch slappin’ the calories! Congrats on a great week.

Another week of Bar Method and cardio. Week 3  - AND AWAY WE GO!!!

Ladies of Diet and Exercise!! What upppppp?? I know what’s NOT up…. my weight. And I know what’s NOT down…. my weight. I know what’s just sitting at the same freakin number it was at last week…. MY MUTHA FREAKIN TOW TRUNKIN VEGETABLE EATIN WEIGHT! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Richard Simmons - where the hell are you?? I need a little sunshine here, Curly!! Buck up, Happy Man!

This is how Richard Simmons feels about my lack of weight loss this week

So.. big goose egg in Week 6. HOWEVER, friends are urging me to take my measurements because I’m seeing changes in my body and the way my clothes fit just not on the scale. We all know… muscle weighs more than fat..  but, I still let the scale get me down so I need to measure.  CHART TIME:

So…. I have 14 weeks to lose 14 lbs. I gotta keep truckin! I’m still swearing by The Bar Method. Although it’s caused my butt to start separating from the back of my thighs - they’ve had a long-term relationship - it’s been  dysfunctional from the beginning so I’m glad it’s ending. Seriously, I see new results every week … I’m addicted. 

I’m still BFF with SHAPE, though, don’t you worry.  I make their recipes all the time and my magazines are completely crinkled, but I just haven’t been doing they’re workouts because of Bar Method classes. I plan to shake it up as of  April 1 so I’ll get back to SHAPE’s featured workouts.

I’m off to the Land of Weight Loss. May your arms lose their jiggle and your butts walk-off that wiggle.

AND… AAAAAWAAAAYYYY.. WE… GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

UGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember my last SHAPE Challenge post and how I ran my mouth about being on track? I do believe the word count on that post was 561 words….. AND I’M EATING EVERY ONE OF THEM!! It hurts! The pain!! I need a slap of skinny - ASAP!!

Breathe…. find your calming place… breathe… center…. bubbles… fields of flowers.. Channing Tatum holding a bowl of ice cream… focus…

OKAY, so my little spat of drama is under control. Here’s the deal, I was 139lbs  last week and now I’m 145lbs.  I’m 99.9% sure it’s due to my wonderful menstrual cycle that decided to pop-up a few weeks off, but it still freaks you out when you step on the scale. ESPECIALLY, when I’m going to Hawaii this Saturday for a wedding and have to be around my girlfriends’ who are all uber athletic with rockin abs. I’m not exaggerating.  They’re all volleyball players, kite boarders, snow boarders, models, from the planet Krypton and kin to Superman. Okay, maybe that last one was an exaggeration, but it really sucks being in a swimsuit next to them! At 139lbs, I could hold my own, but at 145lb and bloated… ugh.. Margarita.. please take me into your tequila arms! I’m going to stop feeling sorry for myself and pull out my depressing chart! ARG!

On the bright side, I’ve attached a picture from St. Patty’s Day. My boyfriend, Rob, is going to kill me for posting, especially since he sweat through the front of his shirt, but, he was hard at work having a good time and that involves a little sweat. And, YES, we are lame for having matching shirts, I take full blame for that, but he was a good sport. You can’t see the lettering on my shirt, but it says “CLIMBER.” Get it? He’s the Mountain and I’m the Climber….. hey…. it’s funny!!!! He’s 6′7″ - we have to have fun with that!! My humor is genius! GENIUS! Just ask my mother!

So…. I’m going to continue to workout and not have a Naomi Campbell about my weight. My ass will be on that scale this Sunday, hopefully, with Aunt Flo gone and those 6lbs of water weight with her! If there are men reading this, “Aunt Flo” means menstrual cycle.

Happy Dieting!!! Whatever…… someone pass me water pills.