GYNA followers, due to technical difficulties, we’re two days late getting this to you. The cyber world tried to bring us down, but we’re back up!!!!! WE CAN’T BE FIRE-WALLED!! Speaking of up and down, this week’s topic is one that Americans spend $35 billion a year on – DIETING!! (Is it wrong that I’m eating a sugar-loaded blueberry muffin while typing this?) Oh – by the way – it’s Lauren.

Let’s take a trip down dieting road when the Akins Diet hit bookstands promising miracle weight loss FAST. It was my senior year of college with Spring Break and a planned Panama City, FL beach trip quickly approaching. How was I going to get the winter weight, beer belly and late-night Crystal burgers off my ass in two months? Suddenly, the book made flight from a book store into my hands – The Atkins Diet it is. After two weeks on Phase 1, I had lost 10lbs. OOHHHH YEAHHH – I won’t have to layout with my arms stretched above my head to flatten my tummy, no more walking around the beach in a long-sleeved t-shirt, I will wear a bikini!!!!! These were all my thoughts on the scale. Can’t you feel the glory?

If you’re not familiar with the Atkins Diet, Phase 1 consists of a restricted 20 grams of carbs per day for two weeks and absolutely no sugar. For visual, 20 grams of carbs is the equivalent to 2 tablespoons of peanut butter. I had the bright idea of extending Phase 1 until I couldn’t take it anymore since I had some fast results the first two weeks.

Fast-forward to two months later; I was down 25 lbs with the help of being dedicated to Phase 1 and daily TaeBo sessions. I was a new woman and felt like I could rule the world. I was completely ready to dominate my new bikini. All these thoughts passed through my head as I strolled through the grocery store selecting no-carb items UNTIL, I reached the bakery section. The coconut cream cake, adorned in its plastic container called to me. I have earned a piece and I’ll have JUST one then give the rest to my (then) boyfriend, I thought. I picked up the cake and checked out.

I was calm walking to the car. Gathered starting the car. Relaxed proceeding onto the street to the main road until the fact that I hadn’t eaten ANY sugar whatsoever in 2 months hit me and within seconds, the plastic top was peeled off and my hand digging from the middle of the cake to my mouth. I had never tasted sugar this good. To this day, I can remember how amazing that 8-hour old, plastic-container cake tasted. HEAVEN!!! I made it to my room and finding a fork, attacked the already disconfigured cake. Realizing what I was doing, I chunked the forked into the container, closed it and pushed it into my closet. My closet was elevated and had sliding doors. I took a couple of deep breaths, walked over to the closet, only to bend down and start eating it AGAIN! After a few minutes, my back started to hurt from bending and eating so I grabbed the cake and sat in the floor of my closet.

Let’s take a second to get the full effect of this moment – I’d lost 25 lbs, RAPIDLY, I was sitting in the bottom of my closet, an entire cake propped on my knees while eating from the container and my boyfriend walks in!! OF COURSE HE DID!! It was often that I had to track him down, yell many times how he didn’t spend enough time with me, beg him over, but in this particular case, he decides to think of me and just come over and catches me in my only weak moment, BINGING ON CAKE!!!!! He thought I was binging and purging. During his freak-out and trying to beg him not to call my parents, I told him the whole story which took a lot of fast talking until he believed it. What a disaster!! Spring Break was awesome and so was my bikini body that disintegrated shortly after when I overloaded on carbs.

I announced to my coworkers that I was going to do the Master Cleanse. Everyone bet me, with money, that I couldn’t last five days on the diet. After the first day of drinking only liquid, I wanted to pass out. I was so miserable. The next day, someone had brought back muffins from a client meeting. I stuffed one in my pocket, took it to the bathroom, dug the crumbled muffin out of my pocket and ate it. I continued doing this throughout the week. When I was at the office, I would have to take food into the bathroom stall and eat it because I was being monitored at all times. At the end of the five days, they thought I had actually done it and handed over the prize money. I felt so bad about taking the money that I took everyone out for drinks to “celebrate,” but truthfully out of guilt!

The funniest part is that I actually lost five pounds from eating in moderation because I had to sneak what I ate during the day!! Without taking food into the bathroom to sneak it, I continued the whole moderation technique and lost 20 lbs. It is true a statement that I lost weight because of the Master Cleanse.

Kristie
Duluth, MN

This is too much information, but my husband is forcing me to write this as I will not let him tell this story to my friends. I know this site is for women, but my husband needs to know someone is laughing WITH him and AT me!!

I went on a Raw Diet for a month. A quick summary of the diet is no dairy, meat, nothing cooked at all and tons of natural supplements like Wheat Grass, Sea Algea, etc. I loved the diet and saw my health transform in such a short time. After I completed the diet, my husband and I decided to eat at our favorite Greek restaurant for my first cooked meal. Even though I still opted for a vegetarian dish, it was quite spicy.

When we left the restaurant and headed to meet our friends for a drink, my stomach was churning a little bit. I thought it was the result of eating something cooked with butter and sugar for the first time in a month. As we drove over, it got worse. I told my husband that I would say a quick hello then run to the bathroom. When we got into the bar – I couldn’t even say hello- something was going on with my stomach and I was having really bad gas. Straight to the bathroom I went. I had on a skirt and tights. When I felt a liquid stream going down my leg – I knew it wasn’t gas. I had done the unthinkable!!! I had performed a Charlotte from “Sex in the City,” – I had POOPED my pants!! But, it wasn’t a solid – it was a liquid!!!!

I texted my husband from the bathroom, told him I was sick that we had to leave ASAP. In the car, When I laid down in the back seat on my belly (so I wouldn’t get any substance on our cloth seats) and after constant nagging from my husband – I told him what had really happened. He thought it was hilarious. I was mortified, disgusted and covered in half poo/ half beads of toilet paper from trying to wipe my legs.

Note to self: Next time you eat raw for a month, slowly introduce cooked and spicy foods into your diet – don’t do it in one sitting!!

Libby
Evanson, IL

Lauren again.

Ladies, we’re listening! You keep sharing your diet stories and the consensus is… we have to extend this topic another week. I know in my little world, the majority of my girlfriends diet and obsess about it, but I was not aware the rest of you do the same thing. Well… I was…. but, not to our extent. It’s warming to know that you do.

Whenever I’m around a group of women, I always blab about our blog with hopes of breaking the ice and getting new stories. Never had I gotten such a response as when I brought up the dieting topic at a party this past weekend. I was standing in a circle of women who were pouring out their experiences, when an older woman jumped in the conversation to tell us about dieting in the mid ’60′s. The Cabbage Soup Diet had just been introduced and she did it to loose weight for her wedding (It’s very hard to do the next statement justice without a detailed description of her mannerisms. Picture this petite thing – 5’2″ – cute, short, mom- haircut, hand on her hip, wine glass in her left hand, saying these words as if she were gossiping about the next door neighbor – very matter-of-fact, not so much with humor.)

“No one back then new that cabbage would give you such gas. On my wedding day, I had such bad gas that my bridesmaids stayed out of the bathroom and before I walked down the aisle, they fanned my dress to release the smell from under it. I lost weight, but I couldn’t even consummate my marriage because I was afraid I would break-wind during it.”

Now, that’s what I call a little TMI (too much information.) Even though this spunky little lady took this story a bit serious, I almost lost it. I think the kicker was that she was so serious about farting. That takes talent.

I tried this new breathing technique that was suppose to help you loose inches fast. You didn’t have to work out just do these breathing exercises everyday for 10 minutes. It consisted of breathing in as much air as possible through your nose and then exhaling slowly, but forcefully until you couldn’t push out air any longer. A coworker had told me about it at work so I googled the method and decided to try it at my cubicle. It was just breathing so what was the harm? I passed out at my desk to wake-up seconds later with the majority of my coworkers (20) standing over me. An ambulance was called because of office policy. When the EMT’s asked what caused me to pass out – I had to admit it. I was so embarrassed and I never lived it down.

Angela
Austin, TX

I’ve heard all these movie stars swear that their only dieting practice resulting in a perfect physique is eating in moderation. When I heard this for so many years, I decided I had to try it out for myself. If they could do it, I could do it.

Day 1: eat half a burger, think about it, not hungry anymore so I don’t eat it. Successful day.

Day 2: eat one Reese’s Cup, think about it, not hungry anymore, stop eating. Another successful day.

Day 3: eat a small CUP of ice cream, think about it, not hungry, stop eating. It would have been a successful day if my boyfriend hadn’t called to break-up with me so I ate the rest of the gallon.

I went to work the next day, cried about my heartbreak and failed diet because of my heartbreak when my boss came in. She decided to help me diet which would magically help me get through heartbreak thus announcing to everyone in the office to watch the amount of food I would eat.

Day 1: eat half a burger, think about it, stuff the other half in my purse, go to the copy room, eat the other half.

Day 2 – 10: repeat Day 1.

Thankfully after Day 10, everyone lost interest. And, no, I didn’t loose (or gain) a pound.

Tammy
Raleigh, NC

I can hardly breathe typing this, I’ve been laughing so hard. I got an email from a woman named Shirley. Right on, Shirley, but as of right now, I’ll just sweat off the weight. Thanks for the tip though. Here’s her email:

When I was in my 20′s, I always had weight problems until I had children. Honey, just have a baby and breast feed, the weight drops right off. I’m 56 years old and have been thin for 23 years since having my last one. You’re 32 so you should think about having kids anyway before it’s too late, unless you have one, then you must not have breast fed with the first one. I have 3 children and my breasts did sag, but then I got them fixed. Take my advice, breast feed then have your chest fixed. Easy as pie.

Shirley, you are hilarious, mostly because you are completely serious. As far as the “easy as pie” part goes, I’ve had friends/relatives who’ve done both and their depiction of breast feeding and boob jobs never involved either word unless they were eating a pie to combat the pain.

Keep your stories coming, ladies!! And, Shirley, would love your advice on full body waxing…

First off, did anyone see the comment from Sean to my “Weight Loss is all about the Breasts” post? Please scroll down and read it. Dude, did this guy get screwed over by a 35+ woman or what? Sean, if you are indeed a guy, you are clearly showing what a “chick” you are and praticing the same attributes you’re slamming women for. Get over yourself and the woman that whiped the floor with you. BUT, thank you for visiting my blog and offering to pick-up the implant tab, what a gentleman. I’m also flattered that you read my blog at a bar with your buddies. WOW! You must really love me, but watchout, I’m only 3 years away from that age where I turn into a bitter bitch. I can feel it coming. It’s happening!! (que scream, slow fall to the ground, dramatic twitch of the body, then pass out.)

Okay, now that I just kicked Sean’s ass via blog, which kick-started my day and put a huge smile on my face, I leave you with this email (and yet another response from yesterday’s post and Shirley’s email) from Candice:

I have two kids, I’ve breast fed and I’m still fat. I also need a boob job, but I can’t afford it because I have two kids. I think Shirley has a side-diet of crack if she lost that much weight and claims it just from breast-feeding. Again, a practice I can’t afford, drugs are too expensive.

How funny are these freakin emails I get??? I LOVE IT!! Keep sending them! I’ll protect your name.

Excuse me, abs, I'm coming after you.... you better bring it!

LADIES!! Thank you so much for the encouraging words!! They’re invaluable and such motivation to get my love humps off the couch and on the concrete. My girlfriend wrote this comment and I wanted to post it. While I talked about falling off the wagon, I wanted to high five (via blog) someone who’s taking the reins and bitch-slapping the wagon!!! RIDE THAT DIET WAGON, LIZZIE, AND MAKE IT CRY!!

Lauren…I look forward to reading your updates.  You CAN do it. I can tell you Bikram does work…you’ll sweat your ass off, but feels so good and produces results.  I’ve been on the same track as you for the past 5 months.  I don’t do as much daily cardio as you….really need to, however, I’m religious about taking mat pilates classes and vinyassa yoga. The good news is, I have lost 2 dress sizes and for the first time in 8 years just got under 140 lbs. Key benefit of pilates is strengthend core and getting a waistline back (the mid section and the place of my body that never see light) and yoga gives me peace of mind and a relief of stress.  You can do it!!!! It’s not all about the lbs….I’m sure you already look fabulous. You are one gorgeous lady! Losing a  2 – 3 pounds a month are pounds you will be able to keep off your body.  You can do it girl…try other things to switch up your routine…you might get new results…..Girl, you are not alone! LOVE YA!

Elizabeth – I just grabbed my pillow and bear hugged it – the pillow is suppose to be you. I know – weird… perhaps a little awkward…. but, I had to hug something. To Kansas City with love, my Sweat Goddess.

Ladies – SCREW WINTER!!!! THE POUNDS ARE COMING OFF!!

Oh – and Melissa – I think it’s hilarious about you riding your mom’s Weight Watcher coat-tails, but do it, sister! If I have to super-glue myself to Jillian Micheals and get thrown in jail to shrink my jelly donut… I’m doin’ it! Desperate times call for desperate measures. Ice cream, stop talking to me! I told you that we’re playing the quiet game for a little while!

Ladies.. go out there and tell fat where to shove it! Kisses!

I got this email from Tanya. If you’re not familiar with Bikram Yoga, here’s a link with a quick explanation:

http://yoga.about.com/od/bikramyogahotyoga/a/bikram.htm

This makes me want to pass gas just looking at it.

I once got in trouble for laughing at someone’s flatulence during Bikram Yoga. Tanya, you’re right, no one laughs!! I didn’t get asked to leave class, the instructor just gave me a hand slap afterwards and told me to keep centered. How can you keep centered?? Farts are funny. Tanya, I love this story and I have a yoga crush on you:

 

 I read the last post in regards to the lady who did Bikram Yoga. It reminded me of a terrifying story. I really got into Bikram, well, for a month, but I did it 5 days a week and saw amazing results in that time. As you know, in Bikram, no matter how hot it is, you can’t leave, and you can absolutely not talk, laugh, show emotion… nothing. It’s all about focus and keeping calm energy. The last class I took, we were doing this pose where you try to extend your legs from behind you and over your head. I still hadn’t gotten my legs passed the middle of my back, but decided to try and pull it as far over as I could. I ended up falling over and then FARTED so loud!!  I tried to quickly get up and back into the pose, but I couldn’t stop laughing. No one was laughing at all. The teacher kept trying to explain how it’s a natural process when the body releases gas, to remain quiet and calm. I couldn’t keep it together. The teacher asked me to leave class. I kept my head down so I wouldn’t make eye contact with anyone, grabbed my stuff and left. I haven’t been back since because I was so embarrassed. I now just go to the regular gym with my legs on the ground.

Shay from "The Biggest Loser."

I know I’m almost a week late with this one, but, you know I’m slow!! Okay – VENTING time!! Who watches “The Biggest Loser?” Last week, those selfish people voted off the largest PERSON to ever be on the show. They voted off the person who’s life is most threatened by obesity and needed to be there for the medical and physical support. The girl they kept on, Amanda, was HALF Shay’s size. HALF!!! I’m sweating from anger… and the fact that it’s 100 degrees in here, but mostly, from ANGER!

HOWEVER, Shay is what my blog is about. Women who fall and rebound with grace, dignity and humor. She was 476lbs when she started the show, they sent her home at 376lbs and she lost an additional 38 lbs in a little over a month. She now weighs 338lbs! She told everyone to suck it. She was hopeless.. but she fought through it and LOOK AT HER NOW!! She has so much more to go though, which is why I get so pissed when I think about it!! Click on her name below and watch her video. We can always bounce, my lovely ladies! YES WE CAN! President Obama – I did not steal that from you.. you stole it from my journal entry from 1995. I am so brilliant that President Obama had his people read through my journal for speech inspiration. There are cures to diseases in that journal and also confessions about having an ongoing crush on Mark Hamill. What is wrong with me? WATCH SHAY!!

Shay

My girlfriend Erica and I vowed last Friday night to be strict on our diets and exercise for the next week. WE WILL WORK OUT EVERYDAY!!!! ( sip of wine) WE WILL EAT ONLY WEEDS FOR THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS! (gulp of wine) WE WILL NOT LET ANYTHING STOP US FOR THE NEXT WEEK!!!! (down the remaining wine in glass)

We both have goals we’ve slipped from so our big idea was to regroup this week and jump back into the healthy world with two feet! Then we wokeup the next morning, went to the Farmer’s Market and bought fresh produce.  Erica bought a block of fresh Wisconsin cheese to add moderately to some of her dishes over the next couple of weeks. It was good fresh non-processed cheese, from the cow to the creamery.. you can’t get better than that. We felt refreshed, revived, healthy and ready to get the fat kicked from our wagons at a 1pm boot camp. Ugh. 

OKAY, OKAY… I totally skipped one little detail.. at the Farmer’s Market…we got herb cheese crepes BEFORE we went to boot camp. We paid the price, though, as we cursed the crepes and wondered which set of crab crawls would make us puke.

After boot camp, we agreed that the crepes were worked off… in the past along with unhealthy habits from the last couple of weeks.. and we went back to my apartment and indulged in a blissful lunch of veggies and tuna. Ahhh…. I could hear the Skinny Angels singing…

The next day,  Erica came over and just plopped on my couch. She just stared at me. Something was very wrong…. more staring.. I didn’t dare ask….. I knew she had something important to tell me so I wanted to give her ample time to divulge comfortably… she sighed powerfully and deeply…. threw her head back… popped it back up…. looked at me in the eyes and said, ”Remember the big ass chunk of Swiss I bought from that creamery stand yesterday?” I nodded. “You know….the 16 oz, BIG ASS slab of cheese that was suppose to last two weeks?” I nodded again… with caution. “I ate the entire thing this morning. Like a candy bar. I didn’t slice it… I just ate it like a freakin candy bar. I haven’t eaten anything else today because I feel guilty and also… I think I might puke.”

I looked at her… choosing my words carefully, “Well, Erica… I was at the grocery store for 45 minutes this morning and left with one box of cereal because I stood in front of the ice cream section for 30 minutes holding a box of Skinny Cow ice cream bars until it turned my entire hand numb. I was too busy to notice that I might have possible freezer burn on my hand because I was having a silent breakdown over a gallon of Eddy’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. Soo…. once I couldn’t feel my hand, I came to my senses… threw down the nonfat stuff and just checked out… with a box of cereal. I was missing like 20 items from my list, but I had to leave. I now have to eat cereal for all three meals today because I don’t trust myself to go back to the store and I don’t have groceries.”

We looked at each other in silence for another 30 seconds… the drama was thick…then Erica said, “We’re assholes.”

Girl, you’re not alone if sometimes you just need a chunk of freakin cheese!!!