HELLO! Lauren here! Fresh off from a weekend of over-indulging in everything from lard to vodka and using St. Patrick’s day as an excuse, Heather and I feel that this week’s topic is perfect for the occasion.

Since the invention of the telephone, it has long been a struggle with the male population to receive consistent and sincere phone calls before 1am. Us ladies don’t often get called, BUT our BOOTY does. That damn booty, it gets called all the time. The boys love it.

Ladies, I really mean this when I say it.. this is a hard one to write. Excuse me, while I grab my gallon of ice cream and bag of corn chips for a sweet/salty combo. Okay, I’m going for it:

It was my birthday party. I had been dating this one guy who was totally done with me as told by my gut feeling as well as by other various red flags. But, he showed up, acting distant and weird. Of course, as I continued to drink, I expressed this to some of my girlfriends at the party.

Let’s rewind for just a second. My girlfriend, who was advocate of getting rid of my current guy, informed me that she was bringing me a birthday present in the form of a hot man that happened to be her brother. Whatever, females always think their siblings are more attractive than they are.

Okay, jumping back to the story – while I felt sorry for myself and gossiped about Boy #1 to some of my friends, in walks my girlfriend who grabs me, says “Happy Birthday,” then thrusts me toward a 6’4″ Greek God structure that made form into a human being. God help me. This guy was beautiful and for the time being, my breaking heart was cured, but as I circulated and drank more throughout the party, I fell back into the typical girl loves boy who doesn’t give a crap about her mentality. Boy #1 left with my heart in his hand and as people left – I found my way home.. ALONE.

I was actually pretty sober. I got home, put on my pink flamingo Christmas pj’s (picture matching pants and shirt adored with pink flamingos perched next to little trailer homes covered in Christmas lights) I had gotten that year (It is Taylor Tradition that we receive themed pj’s for each holiday even though two of us are in our 30′s), took off my makeup and began to eat ice cream. Half of my mascara had melted down my face during the washing, but I didn’t care – it was just me.

I shortly got a call from my two girlfriends, one of which who had the hot brother. They informed me that he had been asking about me and wanted to see me. I immediately said no. They then informed me that they had sent him in a cab over to my place and he should be there any minute. CRAP!! Okay, don’t panic, door man will call you. You have time to throw on some makeup and put on cute sweats. Knock, knock, knock. The damn doorman let this guy through! Well, he was mesmerizing so I could understand why. High five to me.

I stood there, walked to the door in horror, opened it and said, “You’re from FL, right? I have on flamingo pajamas – Tis the season?” He immediately started laughing while I buried my face in my hands. He then went on, “I take it you’ve been eating ice cream?” When I looked in the mirror, I discovered cookie dough ice cream all around my mouth which had then dripped down the front of me. But, he stayed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

I know don’t if this counts as a booty call, but I drank way too much one night and my booty call wasn’t answering so I ordered pizza. The pizza guy showed up and he was cute, well from what I could remember. I have no idea how this happened, but I ended up hooking up with him!!! He had to leave because of other deliveries and he still charged me for the pizza! I’ve never orderd from them again because I’m afraid I’ll get the same guy and I’m so embarrassed!

Anna
Chicago, IL

I had been in a long distance relationship with a guy that lived in New York. We broke up and I was in a slump, a dry spell, call it what you want, I hadn’t been getting any in several months.

One day my phone rings, and low and behold, it was Mr. Ex Long Distance man. He got a job with a ballet company (no not as a dancer) and was coming in town with them. Did I want to come see the show and meet up for dinner/drinks after? Umm, YES!!! I did a little happy dance because everyone knows that dinner/drinks with the ex means, well, booty call. I talked to him on the phone for about 45 minutes and was really looking forward to seeing him, and well, getting some action.

Skip ahead, I was waiting for him at the stage door after the show, and he walks out with a girl and says “I would like to introduce you to my fiancé.” WHAT, are you kidding me?! In the 45-minute conversation he never mentioned that! To make matters worse, he invited me to dinner with the two of them. So much for my booty call!

Okay, I need to preface that I have not been romantic with another man in years as I was married for 10 years and freshly divorced. Well, I ran into an old coworker of my ex-husband’s. When he heard that I was divorced, he invited me to his party the following Saturday so I decided to take him up on the offer. I grabbed a girlfriend and we went. It was fun, the guy (Scott), was a great host and introduced me to everyone. After everyone left, I helped him clean up. He made it evident that I was invited for a specific reason. I thought what the heck? It’s been a long time and I need fun. In the middle of me trying to be seductive and take off his blazer, I accidentally hit a candle with the arm sleeve catching it on fire. I ran, grabbed a cup, filled it with water and ran back to extinguish the fire only to completely miss and throw a full cup of water in his face. He stomped the fire out of his expensive blazer, accepted my apologies politely, then walked me to the door.

I’m sure it’s not surprising that I haven’t heard from him since.

Kerri
San Francisco, CA

It’s 3am and I had to submit this story because it just happened. I was at a swanky bar with some friend’s after work and I met this hot guy while getting a cocktail at the bar. We talked, I was interested, he was interested. Later on, when I looked in my purse to grab my phone – it wasn’t mine! It was a strange phone. I was like, “How did this happen, did I pick up someone else’s phone??” A few seconds later it rings I looked down and noticed the number was familiar – it was my number. Oh good, I mixed up the phone and the other person is looking for there’s. Wrong. I answered and it was the hot guy at the bar. He told me he switched them on purpose and if I ever wanted to see my phone again, I’d have to come and get it. I thought, is this really happening? This happens in movies, not in real life. But, he gave me his address and away I went.

My thought was that the guy obviously wants a hookup otherwise he would have just asked me on a date. I’m not a one-nighter kind of girl so I struggled with my decision of partaking, putting on the slut hat. I walked up to his house – nice place – and knocked. It was completely dark. I heard someone yell, “Come in,” so I did. Candles were lit everwhere and there was a trail of socks – YES SOCKS – as a marker to lead me into his room. I found him naked in his bed with my phone on his stomach. You could tell that he put a lot of effort to get in a sexy pose. Not even the worst part – he had a bottle of KY jelly and condoms on his night stand. ABORT! I grabbed my phone very quickly, replaced it with his and started to bolt. Of course he yelled after me and I could hear him scrambling out of bed, but I was too embarrassed to see him naked again!!

This just happened. I’m laughing at it now, but I’ve got to tell you, when I started typing I was so freaked out!
Here’s to laughing at uncomfortable situations.

Tara
Memphis, TN

It happens. We drink. So what? But, guys… they just get Mel-Gibsoned and think, oh well, I was wasted..she’ll understand. BOYS!!! HEAR THIS!! You may be hot, but when you blow chunks.. you might as well be a homeless man asleep on a curb with nasty rolling out your mouth. Meaning: done and done.

A fellow, hilarious blogger, emailed me this story. You think this is funny,  visit her blog; http://www.whatsablog.com/whatsablog.com/home/home.html

THANKS, BROOKE!!

i was at a club and pretty drunk. i started dancing with a guy, and eventually we ended up sitting on a couch. talking turned into kissing….and all of a sudden he stops, looks me in the eyes, and vomits all down my chest and side. HE DIDN’T EVEN LOOK AWAY TO DO IT! he didn’t turn his head, he didn’t aim for the ground, he didn’t run for the bathroom. he spewed all over me!!! i sat frozen in shock. one second making out with a cute guy, the next covered in warm, chunky vomit. he starts apologizing profusely, and then does it again! twice! i ran to the bathroom where i removed my top and pants, and started washing them in the sink. yes, standing in the bathroom, a line of women with full bladders, and i’m standing there in my bra and g string. for the next 30 minutes i’m scrubbing and trying to dry my clothes with the blower.

when i got home that night and removed all my clothes, i found chunks caught in my lacy undies. oh, what a night!

Ladies, most of us can relate to this one in various forms. A man is always falling asleep on us, whether it’s alone time with the hubby after the kids go to sleep, during a presentation, when you’re spilling your guts to a man or about to have sex. WAIT… WHAT??? Let me explain:

My girlfriend recently went through a divorce. After being with the same man for 8 years and a wee bit of mourning time (understandable… bastard) she decided to ease into dating. Which she did slowly. She started to walk beside the horse, then after a few dates side- saddled, tact on a couple of dates and a crap load of liquor later, she was ready to ride that saddle and jump that horse… you know what I’m sayin’..umm..hmm.. I need cold water..

So her and the fella were making-out hot and heavy, rounding the bases, she’s stripping off her own clothes and as she went in to continue, she’s becomes quickly aware that the drunken bastard had passed out! COLD! SNORING! She’s pissed. Understandable as he’s her first go-at-it since her divorce! Hell, I’m boiling and I’m just typing the damn story.. but an author brings words to life so bare with me.. I meant.. bear with me. An author also gets into the moment.

He’s passed out and she’s trying to wake him up. No dice. If he wasn’t snoring, she would’ve thought he was dead. He didn’t wake-up until the next morning, she was still put-out (there I go again – I CAN’T STOP!) and once he heard that he damaged his manhood, he was embarrassed. I WOULD THINK SO!! However, he redeemed himself shortly thereafter. C’mon ladies, we’ve passed out and they’ve passed out, an exercise both genders have practiced. But, when you’re drinkin’ and freakin’ that is a mortal sin. Think about it, when you get a few cocktails warming that blood, you’re ready to romp! Instead, sexy time’s interrupted by snoring and all you can do it lay there and stare at the ceiling. MISERY!

Girl, you’re not alone if a man disappoints not only you, but also your libido.  

Hookup stories are the best. Especially because most of us can relate and we can laugh a “thank God someone else went through that.” Hooking-up is when we’re most vulnerable and if you make a wrong move – then you’re sexy goes out the window – it’s a lot of freakin’ pressure.  If you haven’t visited the blog Miss Attitude, then I suggest turning off that Lifetime movie and gearin’ up:

http://www.missattitude.us/blog

She’s hilarious.  The following is her hookup story. But, hey, she lived through the embarrassment to tell and laugh about it, just like we all do:

I am in my 30s and still single, but my most embarrassing hook-up story— hell, most embarrassing story period— happened when I was 18.  At one point during my freshman year I met one of the hottest guys on campus.   It was instant lust at first sight.  He was the kind of guy you know you should stay away from, but yet can’t quite resist. 

Several months after I met him, I wound up in a situation where resistance was futile, sort of.  We were in his room watching a movie.  I was lying on his water bed with satin sheets, and he was sitting on a couch by the bed.   Yes, I said water bed with satin sheets.  It was the 90s and his room screamed player, but I digress. 

At one point he moved to the bed, and the next thing I know we are kissing and clothes are flying off.  Very hot, but a little overwhelming.  Particularly when I looked down and saw how huge he was.  I’m talking huge.  

I remember thinking to myself there is no way that’s going to work.  I think it might be important to mention at this point in my life I’d only had sex with one guy, a boyfriend I loved so I wasn’t all that experienced. Though he wasn’t small by any means, in case you think I didn’t know huge when I saw it.

Anyway, I guess at some point I hesitated and he asked me if I was OK.  I said yes.  And he said, no, there was obviously something wrong.  To this day I still don’t know if I had a panicked look on my face or how he even knew, but he gave me an out and I took it. 

“I don’t mean to be a tease, but I don’t want to have sex with you,” I said feeling like a complete idiot. 

Yes, I still remember the exact words I said.  And how pathetic I know I sounded to a guy who wasn’t used to having women saying no.  But he said it was OK and we could keep fooling around.   Which we did, and I wound up spending the night anyway.

But the next morning when I woke up, I was mortified.  I was embarrassed beyond words.  I had no idea what to say or what he would say, so I did the only thing I could think of doing.  I decided it was time to sneak out and do the walk of shame back to campus.  So I crawled out of the bottom of the bed, remember I said it was a water bed, and I lost my footing, tripped over a vacuum cleaner and landed on the radiator with the biggest thud. 
He opened his eyes and looked at me, laughed and asked me if I was drunk or something.  Then he closed his eyes and went right back to sleep.  As I could feel my cheeks turning bright red, I scurried to the bathroom and put on my clothes.

Once I got the hell out of the house I realized not only did I have a bruised ego, I had a big bruise on my thigh too.

Stylishly yours,

Miss Attitude

http://www.missattitude.us/blog