May, May, GO AWAY!!!
This is me distraught!
They say everything happens in 3′s, I would like to amend that to everything happens in 9′s if your Lauren Carol Taylor. Let’s review my glorious month of May:
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Hospitalized for kidney crap and out of commission for 2 weeks.
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I gained 12 lbs of water weight because of my kidneys and I’ve only lost 5lbs of it! My 3 year-old nephew touched my stomach and said “Baby?” I immediately explained to him that it was water weight and I was on an anti-inflammatory to dissolve my bloated belly. By the way, Gavin, it’s a sensitive subject and Aunt Lauren is dealing with it day by day! He starred at me blankly with half his cupcake all over his face and up his nose then handed me the remains of it and said, “More.” I think he felt really bad.
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Ripped my pants 3 separate times.
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Wiped out (completely sober) – face to the ground, ass in the air – twice in public and in freakin daylight!
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Car broken-into and passenger-side window SMASHED! I didn’t claim on insurance because of my deductible so it was out-of-pocket. The guy who installed my new window didn’t speak English very well so on first try he put in the wrong size because he kept ending his sentences in “yes?” and I would then respond with “yes” because I had no idea what he was trying to say and didn’t have the patience to figure it out.
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My cable was interrupted. What?? Excuse me, I’m on automatic bill pay, how can this happen? Ma’am, you never returned your cable box when you switched to digital. Sir, please put down your crack pipe because I returned the box back in December and it’s disturbing that you guys can’t keep track of it. I went through a full day of arguing and negotiating down the charges then later, went through a drawer in my media center to find…. THE FREAKIN CABLE BOX I SWORE I RETURNED!!!
- On Friday, May 29, two days ago, I walk to my car to find a BOOT on it. Someone have Naomi Campbell slap me – why do I have a boot!?! Apparently, a new law has been passed in Chicago that after two tickets, you’re tire is accessorized with a metal “boot.” My boyfriend and I each got a parking ticket in the last 3 weeks and haven’t gotten around to paying them. Oh….. but with the boot, you pay like 10 times what your tickets are worth!! I wonder if the City of Chicago is hard-up for money? Great job, Major Daley, you absolutely, positively, do not suck. I bet you and Blagojevich are secret lovers.
- Wait.. I forgot one thing… after my car was booted, I went to get cash for a cab, the ATM next to my apartment was not dispensing checks, however, thank the Lord for this one, it was taking deposits. Yeah.. I’m taking deposits too. I had to run up to my apartment and borrow cash from my boyfriend. That sucked.
Needless to say, I am ESTASTIC that today is the last day of May. I refrained from locking myself in a padded room the past two days in fear that a piano would fall on me.
HELLO, Joyous June!!! Please do not wipe the floor with me like your older sister, Miserable May. I would be forever grateful as would my kidneys and new over-sized gut and ass.
Tags: embarrassing, funny stories, girl, girl youre not alone, jinxed, life struggles, women humor, you're not alone
June 1st, 2009 at 8:43 am
Well, I would say you’ve got nowhere to go but up, but I would have said that on Crisis #3, which is where things appeared to go even further downhill…
It is EXACTLY for reasons such as these that Jimmy Buffet and Kenny Chesney write their songs and have multi-million dollar endorsement deals from beer brands. So, keep on blogging and maybe Boone’s Farm or the always-classy Wild Vines will give you a shot.
June 1st, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Rye – I do enjoy a refreshing class of Strawberry Zinfandel in the summer after a couple of Twinkies. It’s like a dessert wine. Wait.. did I just copy that from “Grease?” I eat Fudge Rounds too..